Radha Sutra

Lucky Tree

2012-02-05T19:50:00.003-06:00

40 is the new...27?

2011-06-17T14:06:00.001-05:00

I turned 40 on the 1st of June. The Lord Krishna asked me what I wanted for my birthday and since he bought be a new bike for Mother's Day, there really wasn't anything I could think that I wanted.

Except, you know...some spanking.

It took us a couple of weeks to make this happen. It was definitely worth the wait!

Lately we've moved onto the fun and joy of spanking, letting things like submission go by the wayside. But funny how all that works. The more I enjoy a night of spanking and raunchy sex, the more submissive I feel, returning to those old habits that were around before the little one arrived in our lives. These days it feels like playtime for us.

The plan was for me to get my 40 spanks. And I was to count them out, but it had been so long since we'd done this that he wouldn't let me count ones that he thought we were too light. And since we hadn't done this in while, I didn't think many of them were too light.

I would count, in an asking tone and he would just keep going until he thought he landed one that he thought should be counted. Occasionally he would ring his Tibetan singing bowl which was just in reach and when he did I knew that one counted.

I got a few whacks on my breasts too and jeez, I'd forgotten how much I missed that!

He spanked, I squirmed. When he sensed I was bracing myself for another one, he would pick up the pace, so I was really experiencing something I couldn't control. It was a nice change from all the control I need to maintain for the baby. At one point, I just sank into the sensations and truly at the end of the night, I felt I had gotten a little vacation from all the hustle and bustle of child rearing.

When we got to 25, I felt like we were finally making progress towards my 40. Then 26 hit and it stung past the numbness that had taken over my ass. 27, I asked. No response from Him.

27?

No response because he was pulling out his Divine Cock which was promptly shoved into my mouth. After a while, he turned me around and started pushing into my butt. This has been a relatively new consistent thing for us, but that night it was deeper and harder and I felt pain blossoming all through my backside.

On my knees I naturally pulled away as he pounded into me, but he kept following until I had hit up against the couch and there was no where else to go or do except clutch the cushions of the couch and take the piercing pain that I had wanted.

I wanted this?

I remembered how much when the orgasm came crashing in.

So, apparently 40 is the new 27.

The anal plug that was promptly ordered the next day is due to arrive this afternoon.

And, of course, he warned me last night that we will be starting over in the attempt to get to that 40.

~~~~~~~~~~

I added that photo on top of this post because it feels like we are blowing away how we lived our lives before and creating a new one. One which includes more anal play, I guess.

Peep Art

2011-04-12T22:41:00.005-05:00

Something new this year in my life is participating in a weekly craft challenge. This week's challenge was to craft something involving Peeps.

Did you know that there is an official Peep contest every year?

A few years back I remember seeing this image on some kinky blog somewhere. I couldn't stop thinking about it while I was working on this week's craft challenge. I wish I could have been this creative, but then if I had I probably couldn't have shared it with my craft group. Although I am certain that a few of them would have been thoroughly amused!

Image found here.

This is what I made. It's nowhere near as fun as the Peep Show. I still feel good about it!

Now that the Lord Krishna and I are re-connecting again, it's amazing to see the energy I have to do things like this!

The result of girl's night out.

2011-04-09T20:05:00.006-05:00

He told me to change back into the first outfit. The baby started clapping her hands when I walked out from the bedroom. They both approved.

It was Friday night and I was meeting a group of Mamas for drinks at a local restaurant by the river. I was nervous and a bit sad to be leaving Him on that night. But, I had planned this so I did have to attend.

[Last summer I organized some Mamas in this city, brought them together for regular twice a month Outings to parks, museums, zoos. Once a month we get together for drinks. I am proud to say that there is over a hundred members of this group now, we are connected on Facebook, and generally it's a good time.]

But Friday night drinks? I swore I was never going to organize for a Friday night again. Another Mama was picking me up and so, the Lord Krishna suggested I take advantage of this and have a few glasses of wine.

It was the first time I've worn lipstick since December 2009. I dressed up and for the first time in a long time, I felt pretty and sexy. I even had remembered to wear his favorite thong under my tight-fitting skirt.

A few glasses of wine turned into four.

I came home with the hiccups which he found immensely amusing. We chatted a while. Him sitting in his big, leather chair. Me on the floor, at his feet, by the fireplace. When my hiccups finally faded away, he stood up, grabbed my arm and pushed me down on the chair.

My skirt came off quick and all there was for him to see was the pink thong.

I could tell he was happy with what he saw.

I could tell he was happy to be taking advantage of my drunken state of mind.

It had been a while since I was in this position, on the chair with my knees in the seat and my hands gripping the back. My cheek pressed against the leather.

He started spanking with his hand. It was all so delicious and painful.

I tried to relax into it, but dang, it hurt!

I kept turning back to him, and he kept twisting me around and back into position.

Then I heard him pull his belt out. I glanced back in time to see him double the strap. I was being spanked by his belt and hoping that I could get back into that right state of mind. After a while he stopped and left the room.

He came back with the spanker (yet another leather spanking implement) and the grapeseed oil. Although I didn't see it immediately, I knew that the grapeseed oil meant only one thing. He meant to insert the butt plug.

Suddenly I was in the right mood.

[Ever since we had the baby, he's been putting the plug into use. He never really had an interest in it before. But for some reason, this has become a regular part of our sex. I don't know why but I'm not going to question it because I love it.]

He spanked me some more with the leather implement and chided me for squirming so much. He reminded me that I used to be able to take much more. He spanked some more. I turned again. At this last turn he grabbed my chin and moved my head down to his Divine Cock. God, I love being there! God, I love that I have another chance to write about these sorts of evenings!

Once he'd had enough of my mouth, I got flipped back over and he inserted the plug. Except there wasn't much grapeseed oil on it, but he forced it in and I savored the intensity of the push. The rubbing and tearing feel of it as he shoved it all the way.

He then filled me entirely with his Divine Cock and truly, I felt on the brink of bliss. I gripped the top edge of the chair as each thrust filled both holes.

I remember thinking there's some dirty song playing but for the life of me, I can't think what it is today.

He fucked me sober.

He started pushing my shirt up my back and I reached back to help him just before he poured His Divine Seed all over me.

Later he said to me that I was too drunk to bother with an orgasm. And, truly I didn't need one nor want one.

I much prefer to be just taken advantage.

I slept so well that night.

Lots of change out there.

2011-04-06T20:06:00.003-05:00

I just went through my blog list and more than half of them no longer exist. Wow. A lot has changed. Many of the ones that are still around were around a long time before I hit the scene. They have staying power. I hope I get a taste of whatever keeps them around.

A lot of blogs that used to link to me no longer do so. That's OK. I'm wondering if I still want to keep my list. If not for a few really dear friends I probably would scrap it, but then there is good history there. Looking at my list I remember some really good reads, some really poignant posts that I seemed to need on particular days, some really great laughs, some absolutely delicious smut. So, for now, the list will stay.

It's funny to me when I think of how much I want to change this blog and I find I can't. I want to change the looks of it, but there are always bits that I like too much to change. I want to change the focus, but I keep holding on to the potential. I want to take advantage of some of the new Blogger features, but I don't have that much material. I want to post a bunch of photos, but that takes up too much of my time.

When my heart gets racing over these things, I tell myself to slow down. I tell myself to think about what's in it for me, what works for me and I remind myself that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. So, there will be changes. Sometimes small changes, sometimes in spurts.

The only constant in life is change, right?

It's not what you think!

2011-03-30T14:51:00.001-05:00

The baby just threw a spoonful of pureed cauliflower on my skirt.

I remember when the dried, white stains on my clothes were something else entirely!

In Lieu of Spanking...

2011-03-29T22:34:00.003-05:00

I offer you a vision of the tracks, leading to Spring and leading to a new phase in my life with the Lord Krishna. The spanking will resume in short while, I'm told. It hadn't disappeared entirely, it just wasn't happening on a regular basis. We're working on that. This is all taking a while but I am confident that we're on the right track. That's what He says and I believe him.

Just wondering...

2011-03-22T20:27:00.001-05:00

Why's it feel like that big zit on my butt is a target?

Radha Reads: Committed

2011-03-08T20:20:00.004-06:00

I read when I breastfeed and yes, I am still breastfeeding even though my baby is over a year old. We have decided that I will continue for another year or until she gets tired of it. She bites my nipples now and every time she does, later in the evening, the Lord Krishna assures me that this will help get me back into the swing of things when he regains control of my breasts.

Anyway, so I read when I breastfeed and lately I've been thinking I would share here some stuff I've read about marriage, or perhaps just some random things I read.

Excerpts from Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage":

"...all marriages are automatic acts of subversion against authority."

You see why this last chapter in Gilbert's book suddenly caught my attention? I should say it caught the attention of the Radha in me. Subversion. I like that idea, not only because of my academic background, but also for my kinky interests.

"What passes between a couple alone in the dark is the very definition of "privacy." And I'm not talking about sex here but about its far more subversive aspect: intimacy. Every couple in the world has the potential over time to become a small and isolated nation of two--creating their own culture, their own language, and their own moral code, to which nobody else is privy."

While Gilbert may not be talking only about sex, I was thinking only about sex when I read this paragraph. Again, this appeals to the Radha in me, and no doubt to some of you who come here through links from the spanking and kinky community we've subversively created here on the Internet.

What Gilbert says about creating a "own moral code" -- Hell, yes! That's what we've done. You and me and Him and Her and Them over there.

Although when Gilbert says "to which nobody else is privy," well, that's not so true in this age of the Internet, is it? But by revealing our truths, we've reached out to each other and created this community. We reached out each other and verified that our subversive urges are shared with others and although we do not give a damn what others think of our subversive selves, it sure is nice to be able to share however anonymously we do it.

At least it was for me when I was searching, urging the Lord Krishna for more in our relationship. Searching and urging him to understand that I was open to his more sadistic tendencies. I pushed but he picked it up and ran with it.

"But you cannot stop people from wanting what they want, and a lot of people, as it turns out, want intimacy with one special person [or two or three, depending on what is decided within each relationship - Radha's note added]."

Following me, here? This is good stuff!

"We are shaping our lives in that particular form of partnership because we yearned for something. As so many of us do. We yearn for private intimacy even though it's emotional risky. We yearn for private intimacy even when we suck at it [or suck on it - RN, again]. We yearn for private intimacy even it's illegal for us to love the person we love. We yearn for private intimacy even when we are told that we should yearn for something else, something finer, something nobler. We just keep on yearning for private intimacy, and for our own deeply personal set of reasons. Nobody has ever been able to completely sort out that mystery, and nobody has ever been able to stop us from wanting it."

Yah, OK. Uh-huh. Did Gilbert think to ask any of the spanking and kinky folk? Because I do believe we have figured the why's, when's and how's of our intimacy. We know what our "deeply personal set of reasons" are. We have solved that mystery.

I enjoyed all of Gilbert's book, although it did not get rave reviews like "Eat Pray Love." But this last chapter struck a chord, perhaps not the in the way that she anticipated.

I believe Sutras are about studying and sorting through mystery. Gilbert took me one step further in my understanding.

Note: This picture has nothing to do with what I just wrote. I just thought it was pretty and wanted to share with you all. Enjoy!

One spank at a time...

2011-02-26T19:01:00.004-06:00

I'm trying to come back here.

It may actually happen sooner than I think, like right now, this moment.

So many, perhaps, too many changes in my life lately.

So many changes that this blog no longer seem like me.

But I will do something about that...eventually.

For now I know that our love is constant, the heat is simmering the stew and one day we will eat again.

Oh God, doesn't that sound corny?

See what I mean about not fitting into this blog anymore, like I no longer fit into my old jeans.

He reminds me that the paddle still fits against my bottom, that his Divinity still fits into my honey pot.

So I will make my way back, one spank at a time...

Yah, right....

2010-08-22T18:50:00.002-05:00

.....is what he said when I told the Lord Krishna that I had purchased these wooden spoons for cooking utensils.

Restraining the Cattails

2010-08-10T22:34:00.001-05:00

Beyond the Power Grid

2010-07-29T15:56:00.004-05:00

Just a few miles northeast of our Airstream Retreat in Shangri-La County, we come to place where we move beyond the power grid. We often drive back there to get water from a pump at a remote canoe-in campground.

I am always pleasantly surprised by how quickly the hum of electricity fades away. Instead, we are left with the buzz of all the natural life around us. There is quiet, yes, but also, a sort of energy that for me is indefinable, yet nonetheless, very much there and noticeable.

This last weekend when we drove back there, taking our baby daughter for the first time, I thought, as I always do, about the metaphorical reality of crossing beyond the power grid in relation to my life with the Lord Krishna.

It's a strange place to be now with a new baby in our lives.

Submission? What is that?

Spankings? Yikes, why do I think it hurts so much.

I feel re-virginized.

The most interesting part is creating and negotiating the new ways we interact with each other. I am responsible for the Baby, so often he defers to me and my opinions, my various methods for comforting and cuddling her. I make the rules when it comes to the Baby.

And since becoming this rule-maker, I have become so very not submissive.

Occasionally, late on a Saturday night, he'll smack me back into my place. Spank me to a place of yielding and relenting.

And he reminds me that I need to work this out because the last thing he wants to do is to have to correct me when I am struggling to be the best mother I can be for our child.

I try to catch myself in my own inappropriate behavior. But, it's difficult negotiating the power of motherhood with that other part of my identity, of being the Lord Krishna's submissive wife.

Going beyond the power grid, back to those days of just being His wife was a time of quiet and energy, silence and surge, all wrapped together in one blissful state of mind.

Maybe I'm just thinking of this in the wrong way. Maybe moving beyond the power grid can be my place of occasional, mindful relief.

If you are someone reading this who relates to what I am saying here, please tell some little thing about how you handle a similar contradiction in your life.

With love,
Radha

Mystic Friday: This Place

2010-07-23T08:41:00.001-05:00

This place where you are
right now
God circled on a map
for you.

Hafiz, trans. Daniel Ladinsky, 2003

I recognized this spot as I sat on the yoga platform by the campfire.

The platform raises me off the ground and as I gazed out into the dense woods, seeing only as much as the half moon light could let me, I recognized this spot, on the map. Which I had circled myself just 15 minutes before with a sage smudge stick, the sage harvested from my own garden, dried by my own hand.

Then I fell into the moment.

Lulled through the experience, to that moment, by the sound of the Lord Krishna's guitar. I followed the sound vibrations to this spot, circled on the map. The platform and the music making me feel as though I was floating in the woods.

There I stayed until my bottom started aching.

Again.

As it had ached all day long.

In the night before, the muscles on my thighs and buttocks did not remember the touch of His hand, the swat from His leather strap. My muscles had forgotten. I had forgotten.

Quickly I became reacquainted with the ache.

Quickly I became reacquainted with submission as I sought to maintain my position.

There were several moments on the brink of pain too much for my tender bottom to handle, I would break and turn, plead with him to stop.

He said nothing. He motioned for me to resume. I yielded.

And so it all begins.

Again.

This place where I am right now
The Lord Krishna circled on a map for me.

This place is exactly where I am supposed to be.

See where my mind is at?

2010-06-21T14:56:00.004-05:00

We've driven by this train many times on our way to our retreat in Shangri-La. For six years I never noticed the number on it.

Gee, I wonder where my mind is at?

Could it just be a coincidence?

Uh huh, I thought so until...

I saw this...

Take a closer look...

For the record, there was a man driving this car. And here I thought silver bullets were for women!

Why do Hand-Spankings Hurt So Dang Much?

2010-04-20T15:54:00.002-05:00

Sure, it's been awhile for my bottom.
Sure, I was not expecting the spanking.
Sure, it feels like the first time all over again.

But, seriously, I can't believe how much more it hurts when he uses his hand and not an implement.

So, yes, I got spanked.

And, man, that feel weird, but good, but weird, nonetheless.

Since then I keep wondering what happens when the little baby gets older. It's strange to think that me, the mommy, will continue to get spanked, but, she, the child, will not. This is hard for me to wrap my mind around. Not that I want to spank her, nor will the Lord Krishna. He is adamantly against spanking our child. Which, of course, just gets me thinking and understanding why he is not interested in domestic discipline.

We actually had a chance to go to our Shangri-La retreat in the woods. Every inch of that place was full of naughty memories. Over there was where he tied me to the tree. This is the spot where he bent me over. On this very sofa bed, wax was poured all over me.

Now, it's so different. Instead of clamps attached to my nipples, I have a baby suckling every couple of hours. Instead of getting spanked, I pat and tap her bottom when I'm trying to soothe her.

Some of you might think this wrong that I am thinking of these things, but I can't help it. Our life has changed so very much, and these are the places that the change is most evident.

We're still adjusting to the little one, her schedule, her needs and demands. We are also finally finding ways to honor each other and explore the new roles we both have and share.

And, I tell you, actually I want to shout from the rooftops - It feels good!

That's what getting four hours straight sleep does to me. I feel refreshed and ready to face the new challenges.

Like getting over the hurdle of feeling the sting of a hand spanking again.

Officially, now He is a Mother-F**ker

2010-04-14T15:18:00.004-05:00

I mean that in the nicest way, I swear!

I do believe that getting it on with the baby in the room with us officially makes him, the Lord Krishna, I mean, a mother-f**ker.

Slowly, but surely, we are making our way back to our old, pre-baby intimacy.

He spanked me the other night and she, the baby, did not wake up. That's good news and I hope it lasts a little while.

It's different, all of this is different, post-baby. I think back on those things that would irk me and I smile at myself. It feels easier to submit to those things he wants to do without my own expectations that would mire the way. At times, my own pleasure seems irrelevant. I'm breastfeeding so there is no natural lubrication to smooth the way, so to speak. And I have had to tap into other parts of myself to understand the pleasure I find in our relationship.

It used to be about the sexual and sensual. Now, it's so much more than that, but I can't find the words to describe it, not yet. Soon, I'm sure it will come.

I suppose that's why I haven't written in a while. Of course, I am busy with the Baby, but I do have another blog that I periodically write for, so I've had to think of why I'm not writing here much. This blog has changed so much over the years and now it's changing again, and I'm very hesitant to let it go. Maybe I need to freshen up the appearance and consider a new look. Maybe I need to let go of those guidelines in my head about what i should and shouldn't be writing about.

It's a new life for me and the Lord Krishna. I need to find some way to reflect that here...

Baby Booties

2010-03-03T20:30:00.002-06:00

I had such a blast knitting these teeny, weeny, little baby booties. I want to make a dozen more. People of the Internet, please have babies so that I can make some of these for you!

Thanks for pointing me to this pattern, Honey!

So, I've had tons of hit lately, like everyday I'm having stellar numbers of hits. I wonder if people are coming here and expecting more smut and finding only baby pictures and knitting. Oh well, deal with it.

I'm hoping the Lord Krishna and I will be resuming our intimate relationship soon. Only three more weeks until our six-week postpartum check-up. Hopefully we'll be getting the thumb's up. I'm dreaming a lot of sex lately, and we just recently moved the baby into the bassinet (and she's sleeping most of night, all comfy and cozy and sweet). Soon. I can't wait!

Shaking my Self-Concept

2010-02-25T20:06:00.000-06:00

I was talking with an old friend of mine, someone I've known since high school. We were talking about my birth story. Something she said seemed to give me a way to talk about my experience here on this blog. It's about pain.

The best way to describe my labor and delivery experience is this: It was the most beautiful experience of my life. It was also the most traumatic experience of my life.

Beautiful because the end result is this wonderfully, perfect baby girl. The combination of both me and the Lord Krishna. Although I do believe that she looks a lot more like him than me. She even has blue eyes and I do hope that those eyes stay blue. Her nose, her forehead, even her little itty bitty toes are like his. I see the resemblance the most when the two are sleeping together. It's so sweet to see the both of them open their similar eyes and gaze upon me. It makes me very proud. And, to see the Lord Krishna with his daughter brings me so much happiness. I never knew that I could feel so much love.

It was beautiful because the Lord Krishna and I came together as a team to make this baby, to bring this baby into the world. After I went into active labor, I gave birth to her within four hours. I was told that I would be in active labor for at least six hours (I had dilated to four inches and they had predicted one hour per each additional inch of dilation) and that I would be pushing for an additional two hours (which is fairly typical for first-time mothers). Instead I labored for another 3 hours and pushed for only 50 minutes.

I should back up a moment to mention that my bag of waters had broken 36 hours previous to me going into active labor. I was blessed that the hospital staff didn't push me to through unnecessary medical interventions and I was blessed that I was able to deliver my baby naturally without the epidural or other such drugs. I was also blessed that I only had one tiny tear that healed itself within a day.

But, my greatest blessing was the Lord Krishna's presence. Our doula said it was amazing to see us come together. We put in some sitar music on the Ipod and every time I felt a contraction coming on, I declared that it was coming. At which point he started a long, slow chant of OM. I tried to echo this with a low-toned moan. Low-toned moans relax the jaw which in turn relaxes the whole body. In this way, I was able to keep my body muscles relaxed and with each contraction, our baby moved down the birth canal. When it came time to push, he stayed there by my side and she came out sooner than anyone had expected.

It was beautiful. It was amazing. He got to cut the umbilical cord and place that baby on my chest. She was premature, but her lungs were fully developed and her Apgar scores were 8 and 9. She did not have to stay in the neo-natal care unit and we got to keep her with us throughout our whole time at the hospital. We took her home after two days. It was the best circumstances imaginable. We were lucky.

Again, it was the most beautiful experience of my life. But, I had several days of feeling like the experience was equally traumatic. And, I couldn't figure out why I felt this way. Until that chat this afternoon with my old high school friend.

She suggested that the experience challenged my sense of self, my self-concept was the way she stated it. I had hit up against my limit. I understood this to mean that my boundaries were made very clear. My friend suggested that this is what was traumatic for me. Not necessarily the pain, but the idea that my boundaries were visible and that is what shook me up.

She related it to the idea that in this culture pain is associated with bad. If one is feeling pain, then it must be a bad experience. I took her idea and tweaked it to suit my personality. First, I must say that years of practicing yoga helped me breathe through most of the pain of natural childbirth. But, also, equally important, my understanding of pain/pleasure in This Thing That We Do helped me through most of the pain of natural childbirth.

I did rather well during most of my labor experience. Until I hit transition, that moment when the cervix is fully dilated and I was on the verge of pushing. At that point I distinctly remember telling everyone in that delivery room that I was fool to think I could do this without the pain drugs. I felt like a fool. I felt like I had got in way over my head. I was acutely aware of the fact that I had good health insurance in this time when so many in this country have none. I was acutely aware that I had denied myself access to that which my health insurance afforded me. I felt like a failure. It wasn't until I talked with the doula a week later that I realized that I had hit the wall, that I had finally come to that place of transition when I had these feelings and that this was exactly what all the health care professionals and my doula were waiting for.

And now today, I realize that was what was traumatic for me. You see, I handle pain rather well. And I have always had a sense of accomplishment when overcoming pain. It is part of who I am. It is part of what makes my relationship with the Lord Krishna beautifully possible and (dare I say this?) enlightening. That night that my daughter was born, it shook me to the core that I was not able to get on top of the pain, that I had hit my limit, that I banged up against a wall that I could not overcome. It shook my sense of self, my self-concept. I had no other choice but to give up control and surrender to the experience.

I realize now that it was a necessary part of my birth experience. It was a thing that I had to go through and likely, only the first of the many things that are going to shake up my sense of self as a new mother.

Knowing this helps me get closer to that peaceful state that my baby seems to embody. My little OM baby, so peaceful, so perfect. So exactly what I need right now, in this moment of my life.

And, now I do truly feel a sense of accomplishment. I have finally given the Lord Krishna what he has been wanting - a child of his own, a child of his spirit, a child of his essence. I did this. We did this. We are family. We are complete. And for all of that - we are blessed.

She's Here!

2010-02-22T16:39:00.004-06:00

The little stinker decided to come early. We welcomed our wonderfully, perfect baby girl into this big, wide world on Wednesday, February 10 - one month and three days before her due date. That night was the most beautiful moment of my life. It was also the most traumatic moment. But then it was my idea to do this delivery thing au natural. Thanks goodness the Lord Krishna was right there with me, holding my hand and anchoring me with his chanting of "Om." I think that is why we have such a peaceful baby. I plan to write about my delivery experience, as as way to process all that happened.

Blessing and peace to you all! Thanks for all the support!

The Baby comes out the way it went in...

2010-01-29T09:50:00.005-06:00

Life has gotten crazy busy here in the Midwest. So, I apologize to all those I owe an email. I felt like I was going to be pregnant forever. For-ever. But, now I feel like it's just weeks away and that's because it is just weeks away, maybe only 3-6 weeks away. This week I find I have less meetings to attend and this morning I woke up to a temperature of -7 below. I thought to myself: "self, just sit back at home, blog at bit and perhaps, knit. Don't work out right away. Eat a big lunch, then work out in the afternoon. Reflect this morning". Blah, blah, blah. Yes, I have long drawn-out conversations with myself. It will be wonderful when Baby comes because then I can have long drawn-out one-way conversations with Her!

A couple points for reflection:

1. I have gestational diabetes. This hit my pride hard, what with being a CSA member, a board member at my local co-op, and person who prefers to cook at home. But, apparently I am in the high-risk ethnic group. I have to check my blood sugar levels four times a day. Pain and agony! Did I really think I was a pain slut? Now, I know for sure that I am not into blood-letting. Every once in a while I get bold and brave and consider this a challenge and feel some strange sense of pride that I am doing this for baby. Truth is, I've tweaked my diet, eliminated many carb sources, and am feeling full of energy, so, it's not all bad. I told the Lord Krishna that he's contagious. I hope the steps I'm taking will prevent Baby from getting diabetes!

2. Recently, a friend commented on my knitting and photography and said that I am talented. How sweet and thanks to the lady who said so, I hope you recognize who you are! But I kept thinking, in regards to the knitting, it's not so much my talent as it is the fact that I can follow directions rather well. And perhaps that is the heart of submission in my life. I take directions. So long as it seems worthwhile, I prefer to have some directions. I will take what I am directed to do and improve upon it without being asked to do so. Do you know what I mean? Just thinking about all this...

3. I use "and" & "but" & "so" alot! Holy long sentences! Why do you all put with me? I'm going to work on that.

4. And, so, suddenly I've had quite a few sexual-like experiences in the last week. Maybe, sensual is a better word. No, forget that. Let's just say sex has come up a lot in this last week. First, we had our baby prep and early parenting classes at the hospital this last weekend. We tried out some labor positions, which assuming the mother is going all natural during delivery, these positions are meant to be useful in getting that baby out. But, most of the women in the class have already signed on for the "caine" drugs or morphine, in which case, they will be laid out on their backs for most of the event.

Anyway, so we got this booklet with over twelve pages of illustrated positions. And, omg, how many of these were sexual positions? Over two thirds - that's how many. So, we tried a few we were already comfortable with, while others stuck with more safe ones like "slow dance." We went to the "down on all fours" and "head in partner's lap." That last one I like a lot because it's been a while since I had my head in his lap, sucking his divinity.

Here's the most valuable thing I learned at those classes. After watching one of the videos, The Lord Krishna turned to me and stated that he wants to be the one to yank that baby out of me. Who would have thought that, huh? Not me! I'm shocked and pleased that he wants to be such an active participant in all this.

5. So, now second random sex reference from the last week. We have hired a doula to assist in the labor for several reasons. Mostly because if the Lord Krishna has a low blood sugar, I'll have someone there giving me constant attention. Also, because we have decided to keep family out of the delivery room, namely my own mother. Doulas increase the chances for natural delivery by 50 percent and this one we've chosen is fun and seems like she's going to add some levity and help us enjoy the event, if there is any joy to get out of delivering baby. She can show Krishna how to get hands on in his desire to be active in the process. She rocks!

The other night when she stopped over for a pre-natal visit, she elaborated on the sentence that is the title for this post: The Baby comes out the way it went in. Meaning that the partner's semen is a vital part of both ends of this experience. Semen creates the baby and semen encourages the production of oxytocin which can get the labor process going. Also, she talked about how swallowing large amounts of the father's semen can prevent fetus rejection in the mother's body. There are so many good things that the semen does! I'm looking forward to some partial resumption of our intimate life together to get that baby out of me. There just hasn't that much intimate activity around here and it will be good to have medical reasons to have sex.

It's for the good of the baby!

To all those that told me to pat my belly, know that it's happening on a regular basis. The little one seems to favor the right side of my belly and so when her butt sticks out a bit, I pat it and get her moving towards the middle. It's weird to see my belly so lop-sided! I'm still weirded out that there's a human growing inside me! I'm surrounded by so much divinity, both inside and outside my body!

Bye for now!

Meet Teddy...

2010-01-18T11:17:00.002-06:00

He's done! It took me a whole trimester to knit this little guy. Actually, I should say "big guy" cuz I realized that he will be bigger than Baby!

Now I can finally move on to making hats and sweaters and leg warmers. Just two months to go!

Lectured

2010-01-08T20:43:00.005-06:00

Earlier this week, this area of the Midwest got hit with another load of snow. Not too much though. Actually, totally manageable in terms of total snowfall amounts. The city officials didn't even declare a snow emergency. The snow was pretty and flurried in the area all day long. Then, the wind picked up and drifts started to grow larger.

The unfortunate part of this snowfall is that it covered up all the ice that has frozen this city since the rainfall we got on Xmas day. Right after the holiday rainfall, the temperatures fell into the single digits and the New Year began with below zero temperatures.

I was nervous about all the cold this winter thinking that being pregnant would make me feel colder than I usually am. I have been pleasantly surprised that I am not bothered by the cold this winter. My body temperature is higher than normal and I find myself not wearing all the normal layers of clothes.

So, the temps are bearable. But, the driving conditions are treacherous. Take a look at the icy alley behind our house.

Because of the snow and cold, I skipped an early morning 7:45 meeting. My next meeting at 9:00 was postponed to the next day. But, I still had my lunch appointment with a friend and former colleague. And, I was craving the Thai food that we were going to lunch on. So, I did not cancel this meeting and considered whether we could still make it to the restaurant rather than opting for someplace closer to her office.

One hour before I was to leave, the Lord Krishna called and I knew there was some immediate issue that needed to be addressed. His voice was stern. He began by asking whether I planned to keep my lunch date and whether we still planned to drive to the Thai restaurant.

Then, the lecture began.

"I want you to wear your big boots. Don't worry about what you look like today, just wear the big snowboots."

Are you sure, I asked, wondering if this precaution was necessary.

"Yes, it's still snowing and it's still very icy. I don't want you walking on the city sidewalks without your big boots. Walk carefully. Watch what you are doing."

OK, I answered.

"I want you to put the Jeep in 4 wheel drive and I want you to drive really slow. Don't worry about the people behind you, keep it slow, take your time. Don't forget you cellphone. Call you friend and tell her you might be late..."

And, on and on it went. He covered everything from what I was to wear to how I was to walk and drive, and when I was to call him to let him know I arrived and returned safely.

At first I felt like he was being a little overprotective, a little ridiculous. But, then I realized I liked it. He was stern, he was fatherly, he showed concern.

After all, I was carrying HIS precious cargo in my belly.

I got lectured. It felt good.

Happy Solstice

2009-12-21T20:50:00.003-06:00

The Lord Krishna and I hope you all have a Cool Yule!

Love,
Radha

Knocking some sense into my dizzy head

2009-12-08T08:59:00.009-06:00

Something Bonnie of MBS said on a recent brunch has rocked my world, or rather, has knocked some sense into me. The topic was about quitting spanking and although I didn't participate in that particular conversation, I reacted quite strongly to it. My reaction: "Hell, no! I don't want to quit!" But then, I got through the list to Bonnie's response, which was:

Randy absolutely refused to spank when I was pregnant. I thought we could do it in such a way that the baby would be fine, but we never tested that theory. I recall carrying a small paddle in my purse to remind me that my sex life was not over.

Now if there's anyone out there that knows what she's talking about it would be Bonnie. Especially in regards to keeping a relationship fresh and lively and full of spanking. My biggest fear about my relationship with the Lord Krishna was that we would not return to spanking. We would not find the time or the motivation to continue this journey. Outside our domestic interaction, meaning those that occur around our home, we tend to live in a way where he has his life and I have mine. TTWD transformed our interactions at and around our home life. And, I was very afraid that when the baby comes, we would no longer have this thing that we do together and that all the energy would be shifted to raising a child.

Sure, we had our babymoon and he bought a new paddle, but when it came to spanking, I got about a dozen swats on the left side of my bottom and then we were done. He didn't engage in his usual behavior of dominating and physically pushing me into position for obvious reasons - my belly is too big for me to get into any comfortable position and obviously, he doesn't want to do anything that might harm the baby.

Nonetheless, he has placed that paddle in a prominent spot in our bedroom and that to me is the reminder that we will return to spanking at some point next year. We can get away with it being out in the open because of the imprint on it is a very common for representing the northern part of this state. In other words, it's obvious that it's a souvenir but not so obviously part of our sex lives.

I realize that I spent the last 5 months constantly setting myself up for disappointment. It was subtle, but nonetheless, there. I didn't shout and cry for this-thing-I-wanted-to-do, but rather, asked quietly about this-thing-we-used-to-do. Will you ever spank me again? was a question that came out of my mouth every couple of weeks or so.

Just last weekend when I asked the question, his eye suddenly lit up like lightening was crackling inside and he declared, quite fiercely, "Yes, I want to spank you hard", and oh my god, I was convinced and knew that was all that I needed to hear. Later that evening, hours later, actually, I said softly from across the room, I want it, too. Immediately he knew what I was referring to and assured me that without a doubt we would find a way. That was another clue for me. It was right there on the surface. I just wasn't in a place to see it, mired as I was in the mud about the many changes in our life.

[The snow is starting. It seems really light, but if I look closely, it is definitely a steady downfall. It's coming. The big one. And, this time, I think it's coming for good. Today is a day to reflect and prepare for winter.]

So much of that last few years has been about seeing his physical dominance over me, seeing him overcome his tendency to be gentle while handling me. But, now we're back to the gentle and I am so grateful for this man who is patient and loving and protective. He is going to make a great father!

Lately, I've been noticing him take a stronger role in protection. Like I said earlier, we lived somewhat separate lives and he would generally stay out of my interpersonal relationships except when I asked him to intervene. In the last few weeks, I've seen him physically and verbally creating a shield around me. It makes me feel like I don't have to strong because he's there to protect me. I can just be soft and warm and gestating.

He's taken to ordering my day. Telling me three times a week to go and workout and on off days, commanding me to take it easy. Leaving a list of things to do around the house which is very helpful because of my prego dizzyness. I particularly like Sunday when I'm barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and he's dozing on the couch in front of the football game. We've found new pathways and meaning for our roles in this house, I think. Maybe having a child is bringing these things to the forefront.

There seems to be constant shifting of perspective around here. And, maybe that's the very lesson in my life right now. Change is coming and it is my own mind that needs to shift in order to accommodate that change.

I bought some lingerie a while back and have only worn it a few times, but something made me pack it for our babymoon. It turned out to be wonderful because it accentuated my pregnant belly beautifully. Suddenly I felt big, but every night when I changed into it, the Lord Krishna would grab me and hold me tightly in position while he knelt and put his ear against my belly. And every time we climbed into bed, he would hold me down and put his lips against my belly and gently call out to the baby, who promptly responded to her daddy by kicking away.

I wanted our babymoon to bring us physically closer. I see now that that's exactly what's happened. I see now that dominance can be gentle and protective. And I have learned to be softer and submissive in ways that I didn't know existed, more subtle, more complex. I am more trusting that all will turn out just as it supposed to. I feel blessed.

Breakfast at Cascade

2009-12-01T10:54:00.002-06:00

We had a lot of plans for that little harbor town where we hit the deer. I have no doubt that we left that situation with only vehicle damage because of the Lord Krishna's quick thinking and good driving abilities. He kept us all safe and I did the best I could to show him my appreciation. We had plans to have breakfast in that town, but were very hesitant to return. And, in the end, we never did go back there. But, what to do about breakfast? The place where we were staying had a kitchen, but who wants to cook for every meal while on a mini-vacation? Not I? And, it's usually Krishna who makes breakfast - he is the Lord of breakfast and makes dynamic morning food.

I searched my brain for a spot, but for a while, I could not think of any place that could replace that one place in Grand Marais that we were planning to go to. Then, finally, I remembered the Cascade Lodge located right on Lake Superior. We had fond memories of this place as well. A place we discovered one Memorial Day weekend morning while desperate to find a campground that wasn't overrun by the dreaded tiny, but abundant black flies. Campgrounds near the Lake tend to not have them as the strong breezes off the lake blow them away.

I remembered the great view of the Lake from the tables. I remembered when the Lord Krishna spewed his seed all over the rocks on the Lakeshore and later, when he had made me orgasm that felt as thunderous as the water pounding against the rock. Oh, such good times!

They had a few hummingbird feeders set in the summer which add another bit of excitement while eating breakfast.

These were all the great things I remembered from our previous visits to this Lodge. I hadn't remembered all these animals.

Hey, there big guy! You're not about to wink at me are you?

Hiya Mossey, you've got the goofiest look on your face!

Rawr...

OK, so at the risk of offending any animal rights people out there, I have to say, it was pleasure to see these ones mounted on the wall and not smashed up against our Jeep. Seriously though, how could I have forgotten about all these guys at this restaurant? They were all so big and almost all of them from Alaska.

And, BTW, that happens to be the same color of paint with which we painted our dining room. Nice, huh?

So many shades of green

2009-11-29T11:06:00.005-06:00

There is something so sensual about spending an afternoon like this with my lover. I had such a sense of primal, almost feral energy passing between us as we glanced over at each other after we spotted another new shade of green, another glistening patch of moss. We would recklessly jump out of the Jeep into brown mud or red mud, and not give another thought to the mess that could all be dealt with later back in town, back in the order and cleanliness of civilization. For now, it seemed that each bend in the road promised a new sensation, a new discovery, a new way to love the earth, the sky, each other.

Another new shade of green appeared...on me...right after he bought this...

I felt like a virgin, a spanking virgin. This implement turned out to be the perfect tool for our return to spanking. It allowed for precision and lovely stingy swats rather than the thuddy ones that make me not enjoy paddles as much as the Lord Krishna likes wielding them.

Miracles-in-the-making

2009-11-24T18:07:00.002-06:00

My note from the Universe talked about miracles-in-the-making (M&Ms) yesterday. The funny thing is that I bought a big bag of peanut M&Ms to go in with all my super healthy trail mix. So I was tickled by the note and thought throughout the day, many times, about how lovely our little babymoon was. We drove through a northland wilderness paradise and saw lots of wildlife. Had the whole day to linger at choice spots and shoot pictures. We lunched on an inland lake and in total solitude. We ended up in a little port town on Lake Superior where I shot the image with the lighthouse. Shortly after that picture was taken, on our way out of this town that held so many lovely memories for us, we hit a deer. It was frightening and scary, but we are both safe. The fog was thick and we were traveling very slowly because we were still within town limits and because of the low visibility. For such an event, we had the luckiest experience. We were able to drive away from in our Jeep, despite the damage to the vehicle. And after limping about, the deer finally straightened her leg and jumped into the woods.

This morning, safe in our hotel room with the fire roaring in the fireplace and the water crashing against the rocks outside our window, yesterday indeed seemed like a miracle.

It was a lovely day and we ended it with a scary situation, we definitely were miraculously lucky.

I intended to blog in an effort to record for ourselves the wonderful events on our babymoon. Yet, I just couldn't do it last night. Maybe later this week. Certainly today is better as we tired our muscles and sweated the toxins out of our body with a hike to a mountaintop known for it's wonderful scenic views. And I'm sure it would have been wonderful if not covered in fog. Another good day though.

A good day to be alive and well. A miracle, really, but then what day isn't?

The first clue

2009-11-22T20:17:00.005-06:00

How do I know we picked the perfect place for our "babymoon"?

It wasn't the perfect Fall weather: misty and foggy with splashes of vibrant color.

It wasn't the just the beautiful bay on the incredible Lake Superior.

Or the crashing waves.

It was finding this in our room. Lined up right next to the Sound of Music and The Lucy Show. McLintock!

Let me turn it over so that you can see what I mean.

How about I pull in the shot a little closer.

You see, it's the very movie that glorifies spanking. And can you believe it? They actually have a still shot of the spanking scene on the back of the DVD case!

That's it! The sign from the Universe that all the stars are lined up for a great trip and of course, some great spanking!

A Night Out

2009-11-19T17:06:00.002-06:00

The Lord Krishna and I went out last night and met up with a couple we see on occasion. The man in this couple is a photographer, so we had all decided to go on a nighttime photo shoot after dinner. This is an image I shot of the street right outside of the restaurant. I love the old, cobblestone that line the street that runs along the Mississippi River. It was the perfect night with clouds rolling in at sunset keeping the warm daytime temps close to the ground.

It had been so long since we went out, but it was rather strange to be at a bar and not drinking some wine or a large, frosty mug of beer. Nonetheless I had a fabulous lemonade! This was the same restaurant where we celebrated the coming of the Millennium on December of 1999. So much has changed since then and I am reeling with the idea that this decade is almost over.

Just a year ago, I never could have predicted these changes in my life. I'm having a baby. I'm on the board of directors at my local food co-op. I have a renewed relationship with my mother. And most importantly, I'm looking forward to the new phase in my relationship with the Lord Krishna. Last night I felt pride radiating from him. Pride in the idea that he was going to be a father and pride in me for providing this joy for him. I felt special and so my memories of the night glow and shine.

Me and My Dirty Mind Reading Another Book

2009-11-16T13:27:00.006-06:00

After all the complaining I did about not being able to read, I go and have a very productive reading weekend. And some spanking. And some good old vanilla sex. The Lord Krishna and I joined a health club (following the advise of my doctor) and perhaps, that's the source of all this new found energy.

Anyway, so now I'm reading Barbara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and I utterly engrossed in this book and totally fascinated with all the information. On top of all that excitement, it seems that her growing season is similar to where my CSA is located so I'm getting to read her own enjoyment in growing many of the same vegetables. I'm glad I bought this book as I do intend to read it again next year during the local CSA season. There are great suggestions for cooking up the vegetables along with wonderful meditations about how to develop a sense of eating whatever is in season.

I've gotten ahead of myself - is that the right phrase? - who knows, I'm just so excited about all the above mentioned things that I'm just zipping through this, not thinking about structure or flow. ANYWAY, this book is a memoir about her family moving to a small farm in Virginia (I think. Somewhere in the Appalachians, that I know for sure) and more specifically, a year of growing, living and eating off the land.

My dirty mind went into overload when she started talking about promiscuity being the basis for mainstream America's relationship with food. Interesting how she states that we (well, some of us) encourage young people to wait a while before having sex, yet do not restrain ourselves from eating vegetables out of season, no matter how tasteless they may be, not thinking at all about the cost of transporting said vegetables from far-flung tropical locales (and thus maintaining our dependence on foreign oil supplies) - all this just to satisfy our craving for everything now. She says "We're raising our children on the definition of promiscuity if we feed them a casual, indiscriminate mingling of foods from every season plucked from the supermarket, ignoring how our sustenance is cheapened by wholesale desires" (31).

It seems to me that food and sensuality are intimately tied together. Wow! Look at all them puns in one sentence. Yes, I meant them all - the intimacy, the kinky ties, and all. This book is definitely full of fun puns and hot references. For example, her description of flowering plants gets quite sensual when she writes "since they can't engage in hot pursuit, they lure a third party, such as bees, into the sexual act..." (63).

Again, ANYWAY, now I turn my easily distractible mind to asparagus. It seems that growing a sustainable and successful crop of asparagus is somewhat like growing a good relationship. Asparagus takes years, at least three or four, until there is an edible harvest. And a "well-managed asparagus bed can keep producing for twenty to thirty years" (28). It is possible to abuse an asparagus bed and one can do this by prematurely whacking off any new shoots before the three years are up. To do so is to "make the plant sink into vegetable despair and die" (28). If one is patient then there is the reward of (and I love this phrase!) "an edible incarnation of the spring equinox" (29).

Did you know that asparagus were once considered an aphrodisiac? Or that the church banned it from nunneries? I think this has more to do with the shape of the asparagus stalk and the voluptuous nature of the plant rather than any bodily effects. This seems clear to me in this botanical drawing of asparagus.

And especially so in this image of steamed asparagus, all hot and slick with oil, ready to put in the mouth.

I'm having a great time these days thinking about food. I'm understanding the importance of my food co-op more and more as each day passes. Sadly, I had always thought of it as overpriced and overly concerned with gourmet tastes and appetites. I would only buy things there that I couldn't buy at the regular supermarket. But, now I'm making smarter decisions that help me fit it all into our limited budget, buying from the bulk bins, for example, or picking up three brown eggs and smaller portions of food stuffs. Also, buying in season is much cheaper, even at the regular supermarkets.

I'm finally getting into this whole pregnancy thing. And I am SO BLESSED to have a man such as the Lord Krishna who allows me stay at home so that I have the time to nurture our growing family.

If I can't be writing about kinky smut in the way that I want to on this blog, I can at least share what my dirty mind is reading these days. I hope you'll check this book out. It certainly was a wonderful surprise for me!

Mystic Friday: Troubled

2009-11-13T10:18:00.005-06:00

Troubled?
Then stay with me, for I'm not.

Lonely?
A thousand
naked amorous ones dwell in ancient caves
Beneath my eyelids.

Riches?
Here's a pick,
My whole body is an emerald that begs,
"Take me."

Write all that worries you on a piece of parchment;
Offer it to God.
Even from the distance of a millennium

I can
lean the flame in my heart
Into your life

And turn
All that
frightens you
Into holy
Incense
Ash.

Hafiz;
trans. David Ladinsky, 1999

Today is a day for gratitude.

I am grateful to have the love the Lord Krishna offers me every single day. He banishes my fears and stokes my happiness. He creates excitement out of the unknown and fully embraces the arrival of a little one into our lives. What a perfect man! Everyday I see more and more to love about him and for that I am grateful.

I am grateful for the friendships I have received in these last few months. All of you lovely people online give me a such an immense sense of support and love. I feel rich with companionship even though faces remain unseen. Hearts are revealed and clear enough.

I am grateful for those few women who have come to my side in my vulnerable time. Two women in particular who have been in my life for over ten years, off and on, often more off than on. These two women, childless and yet, full of energy about the future, women who are looking forward to being aunties.

I am grateful for my community, so full of riches. A community that embraced my presence and elected me to the board of directors for my local food co-op. A community that has opened a new path in life, a place to apply my knowledge, a way to concretely work towards creating a better world for my little one.

I am grateful for my little one, who accompanies me to each board meeting, giving me strength, urging me on with little kicks to my insides.

This is the parchment at which I sat with every intention to write down my worries. Yet, today I find none.

Riches I find all around me, in my community, in my online friendships, in the healthy food I have available to me, in the air itself and the sky and the glorious, windy end to Autumn.

Lonely? No more as the little one is with me. No more as I see the Lord Krishna love shining in his eyes, in the way he holds me at night, in the way he puts his lips against my belly and softly calls the name we chose for the little one.

Troubled? No more. Today, and perhaps, just for today, but truly in this moment it is enough - today I feel that all is well with the world.

My heart burning as hot as a raging fire, burning all the troubles into holy incense, into ash. Troubled? No more, just healing, and healing in the way that only love can give.

Livin the Vida Vanilla

2009-11-11T10:20:00.003-06:00

Life suddenly got hectic around here! My mother is planning a baby shower/blessing/puja for the middle of next month. The thing is she left the state a month ago, so I'm left running all over town getting the community center booked, the invitations made, the invite list together, etc, etc, etc. But, it's a good month for this in terms of my energy.

And talking about energy, I am horny...again. And Krishna is getting all pinchy, and a bit slappy. Somehow we've got to make the two come together. We have a "babymoon" planned and hopefully, there will be some, I mean, lots of spanking involved.

I never realized how easy it was to slip back into vanilla life. I guess I know now. We started spanking and kept going for a few years, each month getting progressively more intense. And now, we are straight up vanilla. I even started eating vanilla ice cream and before I got knocked up, I hardly ever ate ice cream.

I'm shy and I tell him, but I can't quite get past that point. He is wanting and it's pretty obvious, but he seems reluctant to get past that point. I think we are both a little wary of doing any little thing that could harm the little one. We've reverted to default relationship which I guess we're comfortable with as we'd done it for over ten years. Oh well, at least we've got that.

I'm thinking that getting away from the city, from our home will do us some good. We are heading up to the North Shore of Lake Superior for a few days and hopefully the gales of November will be blowing, causing us to stay indoors near the roaring fireplace with nothing to do but get our spank on. If not, we are going to do some hiking, some Jeep driving on the back, rustic roads.

I love where we live. Have I said that lately? I love it! Absolutely love it! Right now, November feels like September and we're just finishing a Fall season that started bleak and dismal, but is now full of sunlight and golden leaves. Soon, the snow will come and I'm looking forward to it.

We watched Julie and Julia last night and that made me happy that I read the book. Of course, there was a lot that was left out of the movie that was in Julia's autobiography. We're having a dinner party tonight, sort of. This couple we know are stopping over for dinner and I'm going to show her all my Indian outfits because she wants to dress all traditional for the baby shower.

See...vanilla life.

Although, I do have to bring LT back to our bedroom so I'll have to make sure all the ropes and spanking implements are put away. Add that to my growing list of things to do this day.

The menu:
faux fried chicken (soaked in buttermilk and garlic, then baked in the oven)
cajun-roasted sweet potatoes
honey-mustard glazed turnip and carrots
a squash braid (that I'm baking myself)
a pear and apple with some cheese (for dessert)

Oh my goodness, I am so wanting some wine with this meal. I've been good though, no wine, no cigarettes.

Did I tell you what the awful doctor said to me, the one that I left shortly there after? She said "I've seen women smoke crack and drink alcohol throughout their pregnancies and still have perfect babies." This is after I told I was cranky because I had quit smoking. I swear, what a nutjob! Doesn't sound very encouraging does it? Or rather, it almost sounds like she's encouraging me to keep smoking. Or worse yet, she had no faith in my ability to quit on the spot, cold turkey. But I did! Hah! I did it.

OK! This is has been totally random, hasn't it? I suppose that's what la vida vanilla is all about. Just random meandering throughout the days lacking kinky purpose or kinky respite.

Soon. I keep telling myself - soon. Soon we'll get our drink on, we'll get our spank on, we'll return to some sort of regularly scheduled programming.

Yes? Yes.

Julia Gone Wild

2009-10-30T16:38:00.004-05:00

So, yet another fantastic Autumn day with rain, then some sun to make the golden maple leaves shine, and then rain, again, and a blustery wind to blow all the leaves around.

Since I got knocked up, I haven't been able to read a book through to the end. I don't know what's going on with that but it saddens me. But, that all changed today. I had a chance to finish the Julia Child book. Here's another little tidbit that sparked my curiosity:

"On our first day at 113 Boulevard de la Corderie, we sat on the sunny back balcony with our shirts off and ate lunch. It was such a nice feeling that we planned to do it every chance we got (179)."

What fun! I really enjoyed reading this autobiography, but have not yet picked up a cookbook written by Julia Child. I enjoyed reading about her life in France, her love for Paul and the time they spent together leisurely enjoying a good meals and all the wine (of course). It reminded me a tiny bit of when Krishna used to come home for lunch everyday. It was great breaking up the day with 1/2 hour to 45 minutes with him. Although it was usually cold sandwiches and we were in the Midwest, not France, I still enjoyed it and have many fond memories of our time spent together. I suppose, when you're in love, it doesn't matter where you are. Although, France certainly wouldn't be bad. Never been. Have you?

a use for complicated knots?

2009-10-23T15:04:00.002-05:00

So, I'm reading Julia Child's "My Life in France," it's a snowy/rainy Friday afternoon, my cravings satiated with vanilla bean ice cream, and suddenly I wander onto this page which holds this sentence:

"He [Paul Child] was a physical person, a black belt in judo, a man who loved to tie complicated knots or carve a piece of wood" (35).

I wonder for how and what does a man find use in a complicated knot other than for kinky purposes? That's it. Nothing more so far about his interests in complicated knots except for this one reference. He is not a sailor or fisherman; he is a government worker, photographer and lover.

Hmmmm? Makes me wonder...

Train

2009-10-23T09:31:00.006-05:00

Confession - LOL

2009-10-13T06:40:00.003-05:00

I have serious confession to make.

I am lurker. I am a big-time lurker. So, I understand if you lurk here on this site and others.

Lurking allows me to be a voyeur. It allows me to enjoy from the outside without the responsibility of identifying myself or coming up with something witty and/or supportive to say to the writer.

In this case, I understand lurking as a selfish act. But, I'm here to say that that's OK. Things can happen in life that warrants the need to be selfish at times, just because. And, that's OK.

Lurk away. Lurk until your heart is content. Lurk in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening. Lurk in every season.

But, just for today, come right out and say something. Even it's in symbols and anonymously. Just for today.

Come on! Try a little de-lurking. Live a little! Love a little! De-lurk a little!

Because today is LOL Day - that is: LOVE OUR LURKERS DAY!

Sending you lots of love, always,
Radha

P.S. Thanks Bonnie for planning this and bringing us all together! You rock!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Before I go...

Autumn should be all about this:

And, this:

But NOT this!

I'm not ready for this!

2009-10-10T11:49:00.002-05:00

No. No. No. I am not ready for this! Do you hear me? I'm not ready.

Not yet. Next week, maybe. The day after I clean my garden for the winter.
But, not now!

The leaves on the trees are still green. This just isn't right!

Poor fishy. Looks like he's trying to leap right out of the snow.

Love and the Slow Cooker

2009-10-05T09:59:00.004-05:00

My mother did not have a slow cooker when I was growing up. I grew up with certain fantasies about "American" food. Bacon, stews, mac-n-cheese, sandwiches: these were not things that were prepared in my mother's kitchen. Along with fantasies about "American" food, I also had fantasies about "American" cooking. I imagined an easy domestic lifestyle full of microwaves and slow cookers. By the time I got a microwave and slow cooker, I had no idea what to do with them. I mostly use the timer on my microwave. I never understood how people could actually cook with a microwave.

But, the slow cooker was different. I never knew, until recently, that slow cookers have a bad reputation amongst certain crowds. A bad reputation that comes with an association with canned goods and cheap cuts of meat, bland overcooked tastes and lazy cooking habits. Those people are missing out on some good eating! I never knew because immediately after I got my slow cooker I purchased Not Your Mother's Slow Cooker Cookbook which includes a number of recipes that start with fresh ingredients. The title of the cookbook cracks me up because, like I said, my mother never had a slow cooker. She has one now. I think it's still in the box sitting on the shelf in her basement pantry area.

Well, here it is. My slow cooker. [Please ignore the shiny wall that makes my new paint job look like crap. Blame it on the flash and the Mercury Retrograde.]

We met and fell in love somewhere back at the turn of the century. Things really got heated up when I was working full time. We rekindled the flame last summer when I realized that she came in handy for summer recipes. It took me a while but I caught on. Slow cookers are not only great for Fall and Winter meals, but also absolutely perfect for preparing meals on hot summer days.

Not all recipes work out great in a slow cooker no matter what the cookbooks try to tell you. There are some things that better left for cooking on the stove. But there are a surprising number of really good things that can cooked up the in the slow cooker. That negative association with cheap cuts of meat? Well, that's a bunch of snobbery, if you ask me. Although my mother did cook some meat when I was growing up, she didn't cook a lot of different cuts of meat. As a result, I'm a little timid about meat, but the slow cooker helps me get over my issues.

OK, so this post isn't about a cheap cut of meat, it's actually about sausages, but I'd thought I would throw that bit in here anyway. Seems appropriate, doesn't it? When talking about slow cookers there is a general sense that anything can be thrown in. Onward to the recipe!

Sausages with Beans and Peppers. Some people would turn tail and run the other direction with from a recipe like that. But, I'm not going to think about those people because I have a lot of CSA peppers, it's cold outside, and we need something warm and yummy for a Sunday evening.

I got some chicken sausages with apple. I try a different kind each time I do this recipe. Sometimes I'll use some leftover ones from our trips to the trailer.

Halfway through cooking the sausages I realized I was looking at the wrong recipe. The one I wanted had beans and tomatoes in it. The one I was preparing didn't. This seems to happen to a lot to me lately. I blame it on the pregnancy.

I cut up the sausages and sent the Lord Krishna to the store to get me one more can of beans. Usually I'll cook up a pot of beans ahead of time, but for obvious reasons, we had to go with canned beans. The reason: I messed up and wasn't looking at the right recipe. Yes, I got a few swats on my bottom for being such a ditz. Cooking, spanking - things are slowly starting to return to normal. Yeah!

I had to pull the chopped up peppers from the slow cooker because I'd already chopped them and put them in the slow cooker like the previous recipe said to do. I threw them into the same pan I cooked the sausages to let them soften on the stove. See these recipes don't call for just throwing things in the slow cooker. There is prep required.

Here is a shot of the final results. If it looks like I've eaten out of the bowl, it's because I did start eating before I remembered to take a picture. Whee! What a dizzy girl I've become while pregnant. Nonetheless, it was yummy and perfect with some french bread!

So, a recap of the recipe adapted from the above mentioned cookbook. I say adapted because I had to wing it halfway through.

Sausages with Beans and Peppers
Brown 1-2 pounds of sausages. Sliced up.
Chop 3-4 peppers, 3 cloves of garlic and 1 large onion. Saute in pan until softened.
Add peppers to slow cooker. Top with sausages, 2 cans of beans (any beans- today I used black beans and kidney beans), 1 can diced tomatoes (14.5 oz) and 1/4 cup red wine.
Cook in slow cooker 6-8 hours.
Serve with crusty french bread or maybe some rice. Or maybe, just maybe I'll make some maple hoe cakes to go with the leftovers. The Lord Krishna likes it when his ho makes some hoe cakes!

What happened?

2009-09-28T14:33:00.003-05:00

What happened to kitten from Complicated Kitten? Can anyone tell me?

Kitten, can you respond? Missing you!

There are so many blogs that I used to read regularly that have suddenly been locked up by Blogger. What the heck is going on? There are others that have gone private and I don't know how to contact them. So much has changed in the last few months that I was away.

For those that have disappeared or have gone private...hope all is well for you and your loved ones!

ETA: OK, I think I found her again and changed the link. But, I still don't know what happened. I need to get my links updated!

Crazy, crazy days

2009-09-24T17:00:00.004-05:00

Hey you'all! I have had the craziest time these last few weeks. I just realized that it may have occurred because of the mercury retrograde. I started a kitchen painting project, then the Lord Krishna scheduled to have our wood floors refinished. But before that could happen, I took a trip to the ER and found out I had the bad luck of getting vertigo. That, btw, accounts for my strangely, dizzy ride at the State Fair. Wood floor project got delayed and re-scheduled and on the morning they were to begin, my laptop crashed. It had a fatal system error message and heated up so hot I couldn't touch it! And, yes, my horoscope did say I would have major mechanical failure that week. See! I said it was a crazy couple of weeks.

It's good to be on this side of the craziness. There's another project just around the corner- getting the roof replaced. It's going to be covered by our home owner's insurance. Whoo Hoo! But it's going to be loud. I begged the Lord Krishna to schedule this after the mercury retrograde is finished. And he agreed that it would be nice to do a project without major delays and hurdles.

So, until then, I'm chillin and taking a lot of advise from the kitties about the best places to lounge.

Knitting Toys

2009-09-09T16:55:00.002-05:00

From kinky knits to baby knits, oh my, how my life has changed...

Oh well. The good thing is that spanking appears in my dreams quite frequently, so it's not all gone. Occasionally I'll get a swat or two in real life. Perhaps this is the just the slow build back to normal life. Like the kindling to start a huge bonfire...

A date at the State Fair

2009-09-04T10:44:00.004-05:00

I had sort of a sad week and so, I was very happy when the Lord Krishna suggested we head out to the State Fair for a date. I can't remember the last time we had an actual date. About ten years ago, we made a point to do date night until we had our relationship back on track. The last few years date night was at home with some spanking and sex. And as we all know, spanking and sex has come to be a very limited thing in these parts (around my girlie parts, anyhow!), it was great to be getting out again and partaking in some good, clean, sober fun.

I hauled my camera around thinking I would shoot up a storm but I didn't take that many pictures and I only remembered to take one picture of the food. And I only remembered to do this after most of it was eaten. It's not a very appetizing picture nor is it a rousing endorsement of the State Fair, but it sure was yuuuummmmy! That was an order of corn fritters and fried-green tomatoes before I devoured most of it.

The Lord Krishna headed straight to the pronto pups. Did you know there is a difference between pronto pups and corn dogs? Inquiring minds? Aren't you curious? Well, heck, there's a huge difference. Pronto pups are made with a wheat batter, while corn dogs are made from cornmeal. And for the record, no, that doesn't make it sound more appetizing to me, but when I informed the Lord Krishna of this difference, he had a thoughtfully, serious response "I suppose that's why I like the pronto pups so much." Ummm, ok, that explains it, I guess. Later, I found the wild rice burgers which were delicious and even later, while scarfing down my burger, a nice older couple joined us on a bench and shared their fried pickles with us - us two, who happen to be total strangers to them. And I cannot lie, those fried pickles were good. People were so nice around us and maybe that's because we spent no time at the beer gardens, like we've always done in the past.

We walked and walked and good thing we did because we had to walk off those calories. But then I got it into my head that I wanted to try the new chair lift ride because I've always liked the skylift.

I was tired. All that greasy food and being pregnant and all, I wanted a lift. Big mistake!

BIG, BIG mistake! I started having a panic attack the second we were lifted off the ground. I gripped the Lord Krishna's hand and begged that he grasp me tight in case I passed out and started slipping off the dang chair. Oh, it was just awful!

OK,let's look at this toad lily for a couple of minutes because I'm getting queasy just writing about this and looking at the chair lift pictures.

OK, I'm OK now...The Lord Krishna is a skier and so is used to chair lifts. Me? Not so much. He suggested I cross my legs at my ankles and after I did that, I felt one hell of a lot better. It was a long ride, too! And although all the signs said that the ride does not stop to let passengers on and off, it did stop several times while we were in the air. At one point I noticed that the Lord Krishna was saying hello to a woman in a chair coming by us to our right and I glanced over at her in time to hear her say "hello, my friend, I'm scared out of my mind!" So, see! I wasn't the only one terrified on this ride. He's so sweet! He's even calming the random woman flying by us.

After we finally got off, he bought me a huge fresh-squeezed lemonade which was exceptionally good but it made me cold as the sweat on my body (from the panic attack) chilled in the evening air.

Nonetheless, it was a fun date, although I didn't expect it be so terrifying, or maybe I should say it was exhilarating. Yes, that's it. It was exhilarating. I didn't mind walking after that experience because, you know, walking happens on the ground.

The only kind of sad thing is that they give away these free wooden rulers at the State Fair and everyone seemed to be walking around with them. The last time we went to the Fair, we got one for wife-smacking. "Next year", he said, "we'll make up for it".

Mystic Friday: How shouldst?

2009-08-28T09:00:00.010-05:00

How shouldst, O heart, which art [but] one of these hundred
thousand particulars, not be in restless movement at His decree?
Be at the disposal of the Prince, like a horse [or mule], now confined in
the stable, now going on the road.

from Daily Quotes from Rumi

This has been on my mind for months now...I struggle a bit with the fact that I cannot carry out my household responsibilities for now nor provide erotic pleasure which has given sustenance to both of us. Like in the Rumi quote today, I am confined to a stable. The Lord Krishna keeps assuring me that my job right now is to grow a healthy baby, to eat right and exercise. He says that all those other things will return in due time. He says that we will have many years to return and rediscover the eroticism in our relationship. I so look forward to it. I feel like every few years we find ways to fall in love again. And I suspect that the next time will be thunderous and mind-shattering.

The one thing I have confirmed- in case I had or could ever forget this -is that the Lord Krishna is the most amazing man. I felt this intensely three times in our life together. This summer has shown it once again. He has growled in defense of me this summer, he has graciously taken over some of my household responsibilities, he holds me with such tenderness and is exponentially thrilled about having a child.

There are two things I distinctly remember from when I started this blog. I attempted to understand submission in the context of my cultural background as taught to me by my mother and practised by my sister. I also admitted that, for me, the ultimate submission was consenting to the Lord Krishna impregnating me. I still believe that as this experience requires my total acceptance and surrender to the situation. Mentally, this time around is much easier to handle and I attribute that to taking the time to consider the role of submission in our lives. I feel safe in his love and trust that he will care for me. Physically, it has been a much bigger challenge than I could have ever anticipated.

My mother comes from a cultural heritage that required submission of a wife to her husband. She had an arranged marriage and after the wedding, she moved in with her in-laws where she took over many household tasks that she had never had to perform before. This situation required that she submit to her in-laws' requests and requirements as much as she would to her husband. Unfortunately, two weeks after they were married, my father returned to the States and left her behind for 1 1/2 years. And she was pregnant which caused quite a few difficulties including cruel family members accusing her of infidelity. The thing that kept her going was that she truly believed that her husband was worthy of her admiration and obedience. She found him to be good looking, extremely smart and worldly. And he turned out to be worthy of her devotion because as soon as he could he brought her (and me) over to him in the States, provided a home and financial support. She never refers to him by his given name, always has meals prepared for him and even studied for the college degree that he chose for her. The only thing she was not able to do was give him a baby boy.

My sister (who is seven years younger than me) grew up knowing that she would have an arranged marriage and that her parents would provide a suitable husband for her. She has married a man who became a doctor and bought her a big house in Florida where they live with his parents and have a extra room for my parents who have been known to visit for months at a time. In Gujarati culture, it is common for a large extended family to live in one home. She quit her job to raise her two children and seems immensely satisfied with her lifestyle. She defers to all that her husband decides and has adopted many of his discriminatory viewpoints without hesitation. She also defers to his and his parent's views on raising children which has on more than one occasion been a detriment to her children. In these instances, she has reluctantly admitted that her husband is not always worthy of her devotion.

I don't find him worthy of anything. I find him to be a lazy, callous, sexist pig. He is all that I was afraid would happen to me. He is everything that I ran from when I moved out of my parents house at the age of 17. He embodies everything that I hoped to escape when I eloped with the Lord Krishna. I never, ever thought I would have the type of marriage that I do. I never, ever thought that I would consider my husband as the head of the household, responsible for my financial care and well-being. I never, ever thought that I would marry even. But I fell hard for the Lord Krishna and the thought of being independent no longer mattered to me.

My mother thinks and says frequently that he handles me well. At first, I was offended by this. But now I see the truth of it. But not so much in that I think he handles me at all. I think about it more as the idea that he is worthy of my respect, my devotion, my admiration and my submission. I willingly give him control of certain aspects of our lives together as I know I am better off because of it. But, I would say that he does the same for me. We fit and balance each other. We compliment each other in that way that man and woman come together. But I say this warily and with hesitation because I know several gay couple that compliment each other in much the same way, so maybe this is better said as the way a dominant and a submissive fit together like two puzzle pieces creating the picture of a life lived together.

This summer has shown me once again that my choice was right and that my trust was put in the right man. The one that brought out the best in me. The one that requires the best of me and I happily try to meet his expectations. I say "I try" because, of course, this does not always happen. And certainly right now, the best of me is dampened. But, I am entering a new phase and regaining some energy so for the first time in months I am looking forward to what tomorrow will bring.

I never thought my smut blog would become a baby blog, but pregnancy is such a big part of what I think about when it comes to submission. I am doing this for him. If given the choice, I would never have done this for myself. I do realize now that in order for this to work, I do need to find the right reasons within myself. And that is why I am blogging again so that I can figure this out. So that I can ready when it's time to leave the stable to head out on the open road.

Kinky Flowers

2009-08-27T10:40:00.006-05:00

Ok. So, I'm thinking sexy is coming back into my life. I'm seeing kinky things everywhere. These morning glories, for instance. Aren't they just lovely in their viney, twiney ways, affixing, tying and bonding themselves to the bamboo stake. I remember when the Lord Krishna used to cane me with these exact stakes. And now, the morning glories get to feel the goodness.

It wasn't until this year that I noticed the fleeting life a morning glory. I suppose that is because I'm not growing them on a fence or trellis, but rather I'm growing two to three plants on each stake to add some height to the garden. And every couple of days one or two buds bloom in their morning glory-ness. Then by the evening the flowers have closed and wilted. Although I didn't do as much with my garden as I wanted to this summer because, um, uhh, baby came along, I am caught off guard with the sense of pride I'm getting with these particular flowers. I grew these from seed. The ones in the side garden that border the neighbor's yard have bloomed as well although I have never seen any. They reach for the sun and grace the neighbor's morning instead.

The roughness in the center of the echinacea just about undid me this morning. I don't know if it's because if I squint my eyes, they look like nipples, or the thought of some rough play just got me going.

When we can return to play? Does anyone know? I'm so uncertain and so is he. He is so incredibly sweet and gentle and for most of the summer, this was enough. But something is stirring in me and I know it's more than just gas.

Of course, I've searched the internet to see if it's safe to spank a pregnant woman, but you know, it's always better to hear from friends. The first three months seemed risky to both of us. But since we passed the previous miscarriage date and the intense nausea, I think both of us are ready to be sexual again. Although I have to admit that we haven't talked in detail about this. I get the idea that he's antsy though because he has given me a few quick hand-spankings this week.

I also discovered that baby is happier when he/she feels the wash of good, orgasmic chemicals flowing through my body. That's it! We gotta do this. For the baby! Right?

Every single dang thing has changed...

2009-08-20T10:10:00.012-05:00

We finally got a chance to leave the city for a few days. But it wasn't all for pleasure and relaxation. The furnace at the trailer busted sometime last Spring so we needed to get that fixed. As it turns out, we could not get anyone to come to the trailer to fix it, or perhaps we just looked and asked in the wrong places. This a common service thing in area resorts, but we are in a remote part of Shangri-La county where the town went bust when the local mine closed down in 2000. Anyway, we found a place that would service the furnace in a town about two hours east of the trailer. The Lord Krishna removed the furnace from the trailer fairly easily (with only one trip to the hardware store for a different wrench) and we started our trek east.

It was so good to get away. I hadn't realized how isolated and lonely I felt since we found out about the big change in our lives. Baby came in with a bang! We took the pregnancy pee test on the 4th of the July! But since then, life has been rather tough with a number of doctor and clinic changes and all those physical changes that have effected everything from our spanking lifestyle to eating habits, blogging, everything, everything, every single dang thing has changed. But I find I can't write about any of it without sounding like a whiny bitch so that's it. Let's gaze at this wonderful fishing pier for a few minutes, shall we?

This little town was delightful and full of friendly people. We only stayed the one night but it seemed like weeks just from the feeling of getting away. We had gone fishing here at sunset the night before and just beyond the wood pilings in the next photo, down near the public beach, there was a ski show.

These wood things seemed like drums to me. It was a large lake and I was a little surprised at how populated the area was. I am used the quiet of Shangri-La county, but this little town was the gateway to an area filled with hundreds of lakes.

The next day we went further north because we had heard the area was very beautiful. And it was, I guess, but the people were not nice and all the lakes were heavily populated. It seemed like every little store we went to whether it be the bait shop, the local coop, the coffee shop, even the Arbys was filled with people who were strangely rude to me and, at times, to the Lord Krishna as well. I couldn't figure it out until I realized we were near a very large Indian Reservation. I've noted that over the years - in the towns near the reservations, the people from majority culture are quite rude to me and their manner dramatically changes when they note that the Lord Krishna is with me. It's sad. We knew a woman that was married to man from this town and he was very discriminatory towards Native people and just generally a rude guy. We came to some understanding about this man that had eluded us for years.

Anyway, so we fled that town as soon as we could, scrapped our plans to stay a couple of nights and returned to the trailer. But then we realized we needed to return to the city for a tool that Krishna needed to re-install the furnace. So another road trip but we eventually made it back to the peace of Shangri-La. We successfully hooked up the furnace and I was needed in that process. Afterwards, the Lord Krishna kept saying something about how the pregnant lady finally gets the job done. My arms were thin enough to wind around the cramped space to plug in an essential item. I stayed in the trailer with him when he turned on the gas just in case the whole thing blew up. I figured we should all go if there was a mishap. :) No problem though, and now we have heat again!

In a wonderful contrast to the experience in that stinky, rude town, we listened to our favorite public radio station that is broadcast from a reservation local to the trailer. We are members of this community radio station and they had a program on the healing therapy of art. It made me realize that I needed to return to my photos. And some may say this isn't really art, but for me it is something. Something to soothe me, something that calms me and allows me to give testimony to the goodness in my life.

We did manage to go fishing later that day and it was just wonderful because it was in the middle of the week and it seemed like we were the only ones on the river. Well, all alone except for the loon.

The trees near the dock were filled with apples.

And the woods were filled with blackberries.

The Lord Krishna got me a juicer and I considered picking some apples to juice, but they were exceptionally sour and bitter. The juicer has been the one thing that has made me feel better through these changes in my life. If you have one or have the opportunity to get one, I highly recommend them for the great tasting juice and the wonderful nutritional benefits.

I'm told that I'm just weeks away from resuming a normal sex life and feeling somewhat normal again. I cannot wait! I really miss the intimacy of our love. Sure there's a lot of cuddling and stuff, but I'm missing the spankings and the intensity of our passion together. And that may not return for another six months or so, but a little bit wouldn't hurt.

Thanks to all of you that commented on my last post! I so appreciate the kind words and also, the continued links to my blog. I know I say this periodically - this blog probably won't have much kinky spanking going on for a little while, but I do have some things to say about submission that has changed over the last month. I realized I needed to return to blogging as much as I needed to return to my photos. I thank you all for your company and say from the bottom of my heart that I have truly missed you. I look forward to reading all your blogs again and resuming some interaction with you all!

Peace and love and my constant admiration,
Radha

Going Sober

2009-07-06T11:06:00.003-05:00

We went sober a couple of months ago and I was surprised by two things:

1. I am surprised by how intensely wrapped up I am in my drinking personality. So many things we do in life involve drinking. I'm not talking about falling down-drunk sort of drinking. Just the sort where there is a drink with dinner, around the campfire, hanging together on a Friday night. And when it came time to give it up, I was surprised with my desire to continue, my sense of total loss with a pleasant past time, my sense of doom that life is over and now I have to be an adult.

2. I am surprised at how different spankings feel when there is no alcohol involved. It takes me a lot longer to get all warmed up and interestingly enough, the Lord Krishna seems much more anxious to get going. And here I thought that the drinking was what spurned some of our intense nights. Turns out those nights were probably dampened by the drinking.

The days seem longer, the nights feel full of more activities.

Anyway, so we've gone sober in preparation for a change in our lives. Life is busy these days with things changing so rapidly and dramatically.

I'll be gone for a while adjusting to the changes. When I get back, I'll tell you all about it! I may post a picture or two, here and there.

Take care, everyone! Be back soon!

The aftermath of a bad meeting...

2009-06-18T09:30:00.010-05:00

I'm positioned on the bed, down on my hands and knees. He begins with the large leather double-strap. I welcome the pain of it all. After an evening spent at a bad meeting, my mind was spinning from the situation, retort after retort flooding my mind, ways that I could have handled the situation better circled around over and over again in my head. It's been a while since I've been like "this," feeling out of control emotionally, feeling like I'm just not cut out for this world.

He begins fast and hard and I am gasping against the blows. Each time I sink into the sensations, the residue from the meeting lingers at the edges of the pain. As soon as the intensity subsides for a second, the thoughts from the meeting scratch and claw back towards the center of my thoughts.

Then he pulls out this and starts to relentlessly beat my ass.

It hurts and soon my eyes are tearing. Gratitude starts to seep in. It was exactly what I needed to get these thoughts out of my head. The T'ai Chi didn't do it. The garden didn't do it. But when he picked up the cane, that sure did the trick! I try desperately to hold position because I want this, need this, and don't want it to end.

He throws aside the cane, flips me over and starts to swat at my breasts with that little, hard leather thing. I'm sinking into to it when suddenly I realize he has asked me a question: Why do you have a thong on, lil one?

My mind has finally released the cacophony of ego-driven words and I was reduced to one-word answers - I've come to realize that he finds this amusing.

Skirt, is all I can blurt.

Ahh, I see, skirt. Tell me more... He's got his hands on my chin, forcing me to look up to his face.

No panty lines, I spill out in a whisper.

And you shaved your legs. Why?

Oh, god, I feel terrible for what I've done because it seems like I was preening and primping for other men. I try to evade the question and lean towards his face to steal a kiss from his lips. His hand gropes for my throat and pushes me back to the bed. We're not done yet, he says as he pushes my legs apart and starts swatting at my inner thighs.

Did you do this for them?

No, no! Skirt. Skirt.

What was that? Did you raise your slutty skirt and show them your thong?

No! No, I'm trying to say but my words are muffled by the fact that now I'm on my stomach and my face is pushed into the pillow.

Did you show them you ass, slut?

No! No! I didn't, my Lord!

Good. Because. This. Ass. Is. Mine...Of course, he punctuated each word with a hard crack against my bottom.

It ended because his blood sugar started to drop. And while he walked into the kitchen to grab some juice, I was contemplating how he totally caught me off guard with the direction of his questions. Which led me back to the awareness that I was His wife, His slut, His lil one. Suddenly, it seemed like nothing else mattered in the world. Meeting? What meeting? Naw, that was just some insignificant event that occurred before I got spanked.

((smiles))

Why do we do this?

2009-06-17T09:57:00.003-05:00

As I walk into the bathroom and lower my pants, I feel the rough texture on my bottom and thighs. A countless crisscross of lines are welting up on my skin. I sit down to pee and think again - why do we do this?

Sometimes I think I know why like I've figured it or something. Why do I want to figure out why we do this thing we do? Because it's fascinating!

As I observe the intensity increase I wonder at the strength he puts behind his blows; the incredible sensations flowing through my body as my backside heats up. I'm amazed with the fact that it always feels good, at how much energy it gives him after a long day at work, at how much my mood changes almost instantly after he spanks me.

Later I realize the appeal is simply that we are spending time together.

The Color Purple

2009-06-15T09:18:00.004-05:00

This is an excerpt from Alice Walker's novel The Color Purple where Shug is explaining to Celie how she believes God is everything:

But one day when I was sitting quiet and feeling like a motherless child, which I was, it came to me: that feeling of being part of everything, not separate at all....It sort of like you know what, she say, grinning and rubbing high up on my thigh.

Shug! I say.

Oh, she say. God loves all them feelings. That's some of the best stuff God did. And when you know God loves 'em you enjoys 'em a lot more. You can just relax, go with everything that's going, and praise God by liking what you like.

God don't think it dirty? I ast.

Naw, she say. God made it. Listen, God love everything you love--and a mess of stuff you don't. But more than anything else, God love admiration.

You saying God vain? I ast.

Naw, she say. Not vain, just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.

Profound, huh? I tell the Lord Krishna about all that and point my camera this a-way.

Then I say to myself and the Lord Krishna, we come here to the trailer every weekend. And just this week, this blackberry bush flower blooms. God would be pissed off if we didn't admire it. Making it look all pretty and everything. Purple blackberries coming soon.

He says, Those are the colors your ass will be tonight - red and purple...

Mystic Friday: Morning Wind

2009-06-12T09:14:00.008-05:00

The morning wind spreads its fresh smell.
We must get up to take that in,
the wind that lets us live.
Breathe, before it's gone.

Rumi, trans. Coleman Barks, 2006

Freshness - that's the best word to describe this time of year for me. Everything is coming alive, growing new things, the air is warm and enticing every cell of my body to awaken and capture the moment.

There is so much new green on the trees.

I marvel at all the different shades of greens.

And, the fresh new greens that I can eat.

There is more than just green, there is also fresh new pinks and whites.

New flowers in purple. This clematis is called Josephine. She only grew one bud this year, but what a glorious bud it is! Watching this flower unfurl was like watching a Georgia O'Keeffe painting in motion, mirroring the opening of my own sensuality, unfurling the circular path of our intimacy.

There is a new baby bunny in the back yard.

Correction: there are three new baby bunnies in the yard. Have you ever seen anything so cute?

And lastly, there is fresh new brush for my hair. Notice the name? Astute readers will know that this brush is meant for more than just my hair! The Lord Krishna is really enjoying the paddles these days. But, dang we broke the last one.

Everyone deserves a fresh new start! And this is the perfect time of year to do so. This is my year to come out of my shell, my year to shine, my year to manifest dormant dreams.

Breathe, I tell myself. Breathe and take it all in...before it's gone.

A Birthday Spanking

2009-06-09T10:28:00.006-05:00

Sometimes when I return to the city after a long, wonderful week in the woods, I struggle with the reality of our city lives. There are other times when I return feeling refreshed and rejuvenated about life. This is one of those times when I feel good. It's the time of year where the trailer in Shangri-La is surrounded by dense woods and every year at this time I feel deeply grateful for this retreat that we have created for ourselves.

The Lord Krishna took the whole week of work so that we could spend time at our trailer for my birthday. My birthday was last Monday, but our weekend started the Friday before. It was a quite the pre-birthday weekend and I got spanked and hurt and beat. By the time my birthday rolled around, we were both tired and spent. But I got my 38 spanks anyway. And he was so sweet and relentless through the spanking. I was incredibly sore from the weekend before and he chose the paddle for my birthday spanking. It was tough and after a few swats, he would stop and caress my bottom for a few minutes, massaging away the pain, but then he would resume and finally we got to through the 38 spanks, with one extra for good luck and for Dr. Ken.

I really got a taste of how cruel his kindness can be, how relentless he can be once he has decided he going to spank me. It made me feel cared for and grateful! And sore and bruised. All things good and delicious, which pretty much sums up our week in Shangri-La.

The days were peaceful and relaxing, quiet and yet filled with the sounds of the woods. I want to be able to capture it all, but truthfully one day rolled into another and I am left with a sense of bulk goodness. There were a few highlights, but I can never capture the beautiful harmony of a week with my husband and lover.

I did learn something about the Lord Krishna. He is a grumpy person and he usually contains his grumpiness in his work environment. I learned to be quiet around him when he was grumpy. I learned that the look on his face that looked like he wanted to kill me was not that he wanted to kill me but that he was grumpy. It made me realize all that he does to drop his grumpiness when he returns home from work. I learned how to just be and let the flow of life go through me.

We went fishing. The Lord Krishna drove the boat to this inlet on the river and we spent hours with our lines in the water. The colors of everything around me seemed so golden and green.

The small waves coming from the turn in the river lulled me into a meditative state. It was blissful. But a little cold. When the sun came out on us it provided such nourishing warmth.

He caught one fish! That's all that was caught that day, but he caught it early on so the excitement was there with the hopes of catching another one.

We sat and lounged with our lines in the water.

Then finally had lunch and started the ride back with a stop at a sandy spot on the river. Washing is a hassle when we are in Shangri-La. We don't have water on the property so we're always hauling water from the city, or pumping water at a local campground. This causes problems for me in our kinky lifestyle. I want my girlie parts to be clean, so stopping at a sandy place on the river gives me an opportunity to wash. It felt so good to wash in the river and the spot we found was deserted and beautiful.

On one evening (I can't remember exactly which one) the Lord Krishna pulled out his guitar. It always seems like when he starts strumming, all the birds come out to share in the song. The sounds of an acoustic guitar played out in the woods is divine.

I love his strong, hard fingers...

When he gets going, I love just watching his hands...

Eventually, he insisted that I play my flute. I always feel shy, but the birds were encouraging me and so I put my lips to the flute and blew my heart out.

My lips were already tired and sore from the other blowing I was doing on the Lord Krishna's divine cock, but I persevered and managed to impress him! Which was exciting as I haven't picked up my flute in about a year. It felt good to be making music together out there in the woods. Making music is the best way to describe it because I don't think we ever play a whole song. He starts strumming some rhythm and I pick out notes that harmonize. I like making music this way because there is no goal but to make pleasing sounds.

What else can i say? The week was divine. I'm going to try to hold on to this feeling as long as I can. That's what I love about the time of year when my birthday rolls around. It's always beautiful as the summer season is starting and it gives me so much hope for what's to come in the new year.

It's going to be a busy summer, but it's good to know that we have someplace to go to find our peace...

Life is good!

2009-05-27T12:38:00.003-05:00

Not much going on here except a lot of spanking!

I've got a big pimple on my ass! Yikes, it hurts! I keep thinking that it is a good thing that I'm not dating right now. I'd be way to self-conscious about that pimple. It's right near my sit spots, so a bit out of reach for the spanking, but if I'm bent over just right, there it is, a big old red target. Yuck!

OK, maybe a little TMI?

Life is good and golden these days. My birthday is next week and the Lord Krishna and I are heading off the grid to Shangri-La. We'll be gone the whole week! Whoo Hoo!!! I probably won't be posting as this is truly off the grid with no phones, internet or television reception.

Our furnace stopped working a few weeks ago, so we might have a furnace guy come to fix it while we are up there for the week. Thankfully the weather has warmed so there isn't much of a need for a furnace, although one night last weekend we did pull out the little space heater. Krishna has been doing research on how to fix the thing himself but I think he has finally decided to have someone else come in and do it. It's seems a little risky to make this a DIY project.

He keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. And honestly, I just want a little nipple clamping, a playful spanking and a good beating. I just got a new set of cuffs from ebay and I'm super excited about them. They are brown leather. I love the color brown.

It's funny how all our plans revolve around kinky activities. We decided not to join some friends this last holiday weekend for a stay on an island on the Mississippi. And this decision was made because of the bruises on my body. I'm not sure how I would have handled this, so we decided not to go. And that's ok too, because I think we're getting a little old for the those wild weekends of drinking.

We were trying to think about a inexpensive roadtrip for the week of my birthday, maybe Montana. But again, we decided to stay at the trailer in Shangri-La so that he can spank away in our private retreat and not be paranoid about people in a motel room next to us.

Opportunities to get spanking in is a great compass to guide the course of our lives!

Before I go today, I want to send out thanks to Dr. Ken for mentioning this blog on Bonnie's Sunday brunch! Thanks Dr. Ken! You're the best!

The Presentation

2009-05-18T09:26:00.003-05:00

After several days of spankings without sex I was all fired up for Friday night. So I put on a black bustier under my tank top and some nice little lacy boy shorts under my cargo pants. I know he likes the way the panties rise above the curves of my bottom, but I wasn't sure if he had seen the functional value of this sort of lingerie.

When he came home from work I informed him that I had something to show if he had the time and energy. After dinner and some time spent out on the side patio, we headed into the living room. The sun was coming out again after the storm clouds moved through and a hefty breeze was making the shades rise and fall. The leaves on the trees had finally popped and the rustling sound of they made in the wind felt like summer despite the chill in the air.

He said "Now I'm ready. Show me."

As soon as I had my cargo pants and tank top off, he grabbed me and started smacking my bottom... "Very nice, little one." ...and I sighed with happiness. But there was more to show and I shyly looked into his eyes to tell him so.

"More? Show me." He sat back on his leather throne.

There are these things I've read in books and I have marked them for him to read, but his time is limited and his reading interests are not mine. I had been trying to think of other ways to present to him the ideas in my head. I thought about ways to demonstrate the functionality of good lingerie.

I went into the bedroom to grab the cane. I returned to him in order to entice him with the fullness of the bustier. My breasts have been growing as I put on weight which makes my bras a little unwieldy, but makes for an enchanting spillage of flesh over the top of the bustier. He pulled me forward towards him with one hand on my breast and the other on my ass. I fell on my knees in front of him and tried to stick my chest out in a way that properly demonstrated the accessibility to my cleavage...and tentatively began my presentation.

The bustier is tight and my flesh takes on the form of plump, ripe melons. I pointed out to him the way the bustier lifts my breasts and commented on how they are lifted and presented for his use. I suggested he try the cane and he immediately left two little welted stripes on each breast. As the welts raised sharp and red above my brown skin, I started seeing them as little tribal markings and wished they would stay a while before transforming into little purple bruises.

"That's good, little one. I see. What else?"

I pulled away from him, turned my back on him and bent over. I explained that I thought he liked the boy shorts panties so much because of the way the fabric stopped before the curves of my bottom like a pretty little frame. "Uh huh, that it does, you slut." Then, he proceeded to test the accessibility with all the implements he had at hand, including that dreaded paddle.

I was happily surprised when he asked me to go put on the thigh-high stockings. I grabbed them out of the bedroom and sat on the couch to roll them on. He said "I like how the bustier makes my sit up straighter." It was tight and the restriction made me very conscious of keeping my spine straight. He always saying to me that I need to sit up straighter and I could just see in his eyes that this would help me reach that goal.

After I had the stockings on, he asked me to get up and bend over. "Show me how those stockings look...ahh, see this provides me a target for smacking the back of your thighs" ...or something like that. At this point, I'm starting to feel the adrenaline rush and the after-effects of a good presentation. And trying to keep my voice calm and seductive as I'm counting out the hits from the paddle.

"Good job with the presentation, my little slutty wife." Jeez, I felt like I had just gotten a promotion. The orgasm that came later seemed like a bonus for a job well done!

Reacquainted with the Paddle

2009-05-15T09:33:00.002-05:00

This paddle is the first implement I bought online, say, oh, about 2 years ago. What the heck was I thinking? I was such a bad-ass back then! Tee Hee! I remember having the option to line one side with a fur like material. I scoffed at it thinking I don't need that sort of cuddle, I just want the hardcore paddle swats. What a foolish girl I was!

Cuz, jeez louise, that dang thing hurts!

Somehow it had gone missing for quite a while. As it turns out, it was just tucked away in his big leather throne. That's usually where he tucks away his implements so that they are handy when he wants to wail on me during commercials.

I was reacquainted with the paddle. Perhaps I chose this never thinking he would get brutal with it. I was wrong. The Lord Krishna can be relentless when he wants to be and this week he has been.

Perhaps it hurts so much because it is three evenings now that I've been paddled. It leaves a stingy ache. It the first time that I've been seriously scared of an implement. The paddle is so hard and inflexible, I feel like it could break some ass bones. But it sure feels good after and I crave it after the paddling is done.

On top of that, he's demanded that I change my tone of voice when I'm counting out the hits. I'm supposed to sound "nice" or "sexy" or something. Like I'm supposed to make an effort to keep the agony out of my voice. That sure gets hard towards the end when I can hardly keep myself in position, let alone sounding calm as I'm blurting out the count through clenched teeth.

We started out CSA last week and I'm wondering if this has an influence on all the spanking going on in this house. We both seem more than ready to go lately. All them good vegetable nutrients!

A Good Talk

2009-05-12T09:59:00.003-05:00

A couple years after we got married, we bought a computer, and then rented an apartment where the computer got it's own room. This was somewhere back in the late 1990's. One night I woke up to find the Lord Krishna on the computer viewing porn. I was upset for a number of reasons. The man rarely used a computer and when he finally did, it was to view porn? And, second, he didn't seem all that interested in looking at me. I went from wearing garters constantly for my work outfits, to wearing sweats around my husband because he was not so much interested in my slutty lingerie. It was one of those moments that I think back on and wonder how I could have handled things differently, and if I had handled things differently, how much of our current relationship would be different?

You see, it's not so much that I did not like that he was viewing porn. It more like I wanted him to share this with me. But I was young - we were young - and our relationship took a turn for the vanilla. Fortunately we had plenty of time together to change this and look at where we are now!

So, we've been talking and I came to realize that he has not watched any porn since that fateful night in the computer room. Me? Being the dirty girl that I am, I have to admit that I've watched quite a few of the free spanking clips online. I haven't made the leap into the pay sites but I have voraciously searched netflix for some dirty movies and finally shared "Story of O" with the Lord Krishna....

OK, I have to back up a bit to get to the really good talk we had Saturday night.

My birthday is coming up at the beginning of next month. And we've talking about visiting with a local Domme as part of a birthday present. Saturday night we talked and talked about what the expectations are for a night with a Domme. I saw this as a really good learning experience for both of us. He's tentative. I'm just in this place of fantasy and can't really see beyond that, but the Lord Krishna raised some really good points, some pros, some cons. And I finally admitted that I might be satisfied with just talking about it all rather than going through the actual experience. Talking about it is hot! Thinking about both Krishna and the Domme working on my ass is hot! But he makes the final decision, and I'm learning about managing my feelings when he makes that decision especially if it is not the decision I would make. I make hasty decisions and his calm judgment is a huge positive influence in my life. Submitting to his decisions is not a big deal for me and he usually is open to my alternative suggestions, but this is different, isn't it? I have to admit that I'm fine with his "no" decision about this situation. And, I'm glad I came to this peace before we returned to the city on Sunday.

So, we came home to find the netflix DVD waiting for us and we spent part of the evening watching "Story of O". The cheesiness factor of this movie is incredible! It really didn't have much to do with actual novel. But I do think it can qualify as soft porn. Apparently it had a great effect on the Lord Krishna and now his imagination is sparked with ideas like screwing a handle onto the wall above our bed to better secure me. I was excited when he said that he doesn't think he's been pushing me hard enough nor making me scream enough.

I came to realize that the porn can be instructive. He usually likes to talk about the things he wants to do to me and I think it has to do with addressing the internal struggle about whether or not it is OK to be doing these things to me. There was yet again subtle shift in our interactions this weekend. He surprised me with the spanking which I mentioned in yesterday's post. And he surprised me again with what the porn sparked in his imagination, something like what I thought would happen if we visited the Domme.

I'm feeling so shy and embarrassed to be talking about this in this way! I think that's insight into the struggle I feel writing on this blog. I don't feel like I've been able to articulate our interactions accurately, like I don't think I sound very submissive about it all. There has been lots of good posts on the internet lately about the differences in labels such as "submissive" and "slave" and that's got me thinking. Maybe I'll just focus on being a "good wife" as I see some overlap between that and being submissive.

As I'm getting grip on being a witness to my mind, I am amazed with my own thought processes, how I get caught in nagging loops, how I let my mind wander recklessly around labels and perceptions, what if's and why not's.

Good things seems to be happening here. Good insights, good talks. It's a great way to begin spring.

A change in Shangri-La

2009-05-11T13:56:00.002-05:00

We have neighbors now, so our privacy is limited. Although we had the weekend to ourselves, with no neighbors, we were really conscious about how this change will effect our playtime. There was a little bit of spanking outside, but most of it was saved for when we retired into the trailer.

He caught me by surprise. I hadn't noticed that when he went into the trailer he had grabbed an implement. So, when I returned from my own little fetching trip into the trailer, he grabbed a hold of me and bent me over the wooden bench. It was fast and it was harsh. I didn't know what was going on at first and it completely caught me off guard.

It's been a few weeks since we had the time and energy for some spanking fun and I was so looking forward to this weekend. But when he started whacking away with the little spanker I couldn't handle it.

It got better as the night went on. At one point, I thought he had switched implements, but what was different was how my ass was responding. It started to feel good.

I'm starting to understand the ebb and flow of this aspect of our relationship a bit better. I want to say that I no longer am concerned that this will drop out of our lives from how I handled this last dry spell. But who knows what will happen at the next dry spell. I am also starting to learn about the pleasures of not having any spanking for a couple of weeks. When I am reacquainted with his favorite implement, it does indeed feel like the first time. There's that anticipation again. That nervousness about the unknown intensity.

That's all I have to say for right now. I'm still struggling with things to write about on this blog, but that's ok. It is what it is and what it isn't will be something I sort out soon enough.

The Happy Couple

2009-05-04T09:50:00.005-05:00

When she moved in the neighborhood, we all heard her honking at the break of dawn. She found her nesting spot. Was she here last year with her ducklings? Or was she born here last year?

She nests in the large, old elm tree in our backyard. The nest is in the hole and not the twigs above it.

She laid her eggs and every few days, she tossed out the ones that were not viable. She seemed to quiet down and the neighborhood was able to sleep in.

And, now it seems her Lord has arrived from where ever he was traveling from.

They spent most of Saturday afternoon and evening just hanging out in the front yard.

I think she's happy. I hope she's happy cuz I can't handle anymore of her early morning honking!

starting soon!

2009-04-29T09:55:00.002-05:00

CSA season begins in a week! In the first delivery there is always a herb pack to plant in the garden. I was very surprised to see that the chives from last year survived the winter.

Yummy!

Calm and Protective

2009-04-27T09:57:00.008-05:00

In things that he deems important or worth his attention, the Lord Krishna has certain expectations and demands that things are done a certain way - his way. But with those things that fly under his radar, he is rather indecisive and leaves those mundane decisions up to me. Stuff like dinner, household purchases, etc. So, I was thrilled when he came home on Thursday and decided that we were heading to a local restaurant in the neighborhood. We walked to the restaurant and it was warm enough to linger and hold hands.

I'm constantly amazed with how he interacts with the world. While I am a bit nervous about the looks I get when I walk in, he's walks in like he owns the place and is entitled to good service. I am very aware of this as we are walking in as I've had some not so good experiences at this neighborhood restaurant. We talk a lot about how he is my guide in this community where I am clearly marked as different.

I am thrilled when he orders drinks for us. I was thinking about a glass of wine, but he ordered me a beer stating that would go better with our burgers, which he orders as well. I think the server is going to look at me odd but she just smiles and leaves with our order. While I'm trying to tell him that I appreciate this sort of decision-making, he pulls out his needle and shoots the insulin into his stomach. The waiter behind me pauses just a little too long and I get all nervous again. But the Lord Krishna is not at all shy about this and reaches over the table to grab my hand.

I'm blown away by his sense of confidence. His belief that he can live in this world in any way he chooses. I only feel this when I am around him. When he is not around I don't feel so confident and I know I need to work on this, if only for the child we are trying to have. Strange things happen to me when he's not around. I feel I should be able to handle these things better. But I'm not sure how to do this. I don't remember being this skittish about life and interactions with people from majority culture. I need to trust myself more and trust that I have a right to live here too, in any way that I choose.

And, so that's why I chose this image for today. That gargoyle reminds of Krishna's cool, calm, and protective presence in my life.

Suggestive Mushrooms

2009-04-22T09:36:00.003-05:00

Does this remind of you something? The tree has a penis.

The tree has a penis? At what point should I have an intervention with my one-track mind? When I start seeing body parts in trees?

This one looks like breasts, don't you think?

These mushrooms are growing on a tree in Shangri-la. It's been growing mushrooms for years. Now they are large. From a distance I had always seen the mushrooms as big dinner plates stacked all the way up the trunk of the decaying tree. I get a closer look and all I see are body parts.

Isn't mother nature wonderful?

Isn't life wonderful? A place where mushrooms become body parts. And body parts get strapped to a tree, then switched by a tree branch.

Makes me wonder if this is the natural growth of the mushrooms. Or have they changed due to the wash of sexual energy that floats from our trailer? It's good to feel like I'm part of the nature that surrounds me.

Crossing lines

2009-04-20T09:52:00.004-05:00

I believe there is a point in the situation when the activity exceeds the bounds of "spanking" and pushes against the edges of a "beating". We faced a Friday night where weeks of pent-up energy, the tension of travel, and the nights of denial came together in a whirlwind of strokes and smacks. That evening was much more intense than I had expected.

I found myself holding my breath at first, but that only resulted in tense muscles screaming in protest to the thrashing he bestowed upon my bottom. I busted through that into a forced, heavy breathing, pushing my breath out with yogic concentration. And yet every time I found myself relaxing into acceptance, he would force me to count which yanked me back from that floaty place of pleasure and divinity. I hated that and it took me a while to realize that he was gauging my reaction or my ability to endure through the tone of my voice.

And so it was that I fell asleep with a smile on my face knowing that he had crossed that line. But for the rest of that weekend, I began to see my part in crossing that line between a spanking and a beating. I began to see it as this dance-like interaction. There is a point where my bottom gets numb and I am able to endure much more, and am relatively silent. And it was his insistence on making me count that assured him that things were moving along fine and that there was opportunity to raise the intensity.

Thankee, sai!

[We've been reading S. King's Dark tower series lately. I get through them faster than Krishna because I have a lot more time on my hands. Although I am bit disappointed when I finally finished the series, I have to say that the experience has been enjoyable. Mostly because it's always great to reading the same books as Krishna, but also because the silly archaic language in the novels. On my part, there have been a number of "thankee, sai" thrown around, which he finds quite amusing.]

The Lord Krishna has me counting out sevens. Seven on one cheek (or on my thigh) then I must say "thankee, sai". Then again on other cheek, followed by my expression of thanks. At times, I think I can keep track of the smacks, but when I'm not forced to count I can't manage to add them together.

Anyway, so later in the evening, we've moved to the bedroom and I am naked, on my hands and knees with two clothespins attached to each nipple. I'm keeping the count and very conscious of the times I might hesitate a bit before voicing the number. I feel like my whole body is tingling, throbbing. But he keeps going and I start wondering when this is going to stop, at the same time, not wanting it to stop. I belt out my "thankee, sai" over and over.

Then I hear him say "Cry your pardon" which is followed by a wailing on my ass with another twenty hard, at times grueling, strokes. I glance over my shoulder and he is far from my body, taking big, wide swings at my bottom. And it warms my heart to hear him mutter this semi-apology. Kind, sweet, compassionate Krishna asks for my pardon the moment he begins to tap into his own cruelty. Yet, I also hear a command in that phrase, telling me to cry out his pardon, moaning my consent to these things he wants to do. But the tears don't come to my eyes until he's done with this activity and has forced his divine cock down my throat. It was tears from this invasion of my throat and tears of happiness to be here again.

Cry your pardon, sai, for allowing my ego to convince me that my need would always exceed your desire. It seems that you are quite willing to cross that line. And I feel quite fine to be pushed in that direction.

He's home!

2009-04-17T09:39:00.005-05:00

And I am a happy Radha! I am a grateful Radha because he made it home safe and sound and not as sick as I was early this week.

This post will be about completely random stuff so move along if you've had enough of my silliness this week!

Viruses are strange. This week I had a tad bit of congestion in my sinuses, but I was dizzy for four days. I was afraid to drive, that's how dizzy I was! And I was worried that Krishna may get this symptom while on his trip which included a lot of driving. But his symptoms were mild and he came home tired. Years ago I had thought I had developed a twitch in my right eye. I attributed it to the heavy stress in my job, but after a week it went away. Then co-workers and students started getting the same twitch and I came to realize that it was a virus going around. I have always associated viruses with the heavy lung congestion, runny nose, possibly fever. Now I'm starting to see that it has other random effects. It was suggested that the dizziness I felt this week was from an inner ear infection. I've never had an ear infection before. When a neighbor started to feel the dizziness was when I started suspecting it was virus related. Anyway, it's gone now and I don't have to walk around like a drunkard anymore!

So, we are staying in the city this weekend. He can get over his exhaustion and I can revel in a neighborhood that has come alive in the warm sunshine. I uncovered my garden and was thrilled to find so many thriving perennials. Some I had forgotten about. That's the best, isn't it? Finding surprise greenery under the cover of rotting autumn leaves.

We live in an old neighborhood, one where Krishna grew up. It has historically always been a working class/immigrant neighborhood. And it houses a lot of artists and a lot of really great little restaurants opened by people from all over the world. The galleries are small as well and none of them seem to seek the pretentious atmosphere of some larger galleries in the metro area. It's simply people doing their thing, resourcefully and on the cheap. Now that the sun is shining I'm meeting some of the newer neighbors and getting to know them. Turns out I live next to two potters. I had no idea! On the other side of me is a woman who could be a concert pianist and it's always wonderful to hear her music drifting out from an open window.

I have this out on the slope of our front yard:

I made this to fill that spot in the front that I have been struggling with for over ten years. The grass is wearing away and it look so trashy with weeds and such. We were considering putting in a retaining wall as that's what most of the neighbors have done, but never found one we liked. So, when I started working concrete I decided to fill the space with some quotes and poems. I put this out before the Obama election last fall. And while it's always enjoyable and interesting watching the faces of people walking by, this week in particular I have had some direct and fabulous feedback. Last night one of the neighbors came over and started talking to me about the materials I used. And he said that if I wanted to start working clay I could use his kiln! First off, I had no idea that he was a potter and that he had a kiln in his garage. Second, what a great offer!!! I'm so excited about this possibility. The encounter left me feeling all warm and giddy about living in this neighborhood.

When Krishna left I felt like this:

I felt like i was laid bare and vulnerable. I realized quickly that I needed to get a grip on this so that while the Lord Krishna was gone, I wouldn't be a wailing mess. The sunshine helped and now what I see in this image is new skin underneath the rip in the tree trunk. And likely, the new skin is stronger. I felt like I had a little vacation while he was gone. There were less dishes to do and I was living on my own schedule, staying up late, eating whenever I wanted. And since his flight back was scheduled early in the morning, I got to revel in his homecoming for the rest of the afternoon. It was so incredibly wonderful! He was gone long enough for me to really miss him and that made the reunion that much sweeter.

And he brought home two dozen bagels! I don't care how much weight I'm going to put by eating all these bagels. In fact, I ate so much yesterday I got a headache from all the chewing. It was well worth it! Probably time to get back on a regular work out schedule.

Can I just take a moment to tell you how wonderful it was to wake up next to my husband this morning? To feel his boner pressing against my ass? The love we shared this morning was tender and urgent and I am left feeling floaty like I do after a hard spanking. Speaking of hard spankings, it's been a couple of weeks and I'm itchin, yearning, wanting. And I am so happy that we are staying in the city so that Krishna can relax and hopefully I'll get spanked. With fingers crossed, I wish you all a good weekend!

here I am again, and again...

2009-04-13T12:38:00.003-05:00

So, here I am again. I tried to walk away and start something new, sing a new song, but then i realized that the writing wouldn't be that much different. It's my heart that's different and moving away is not going to necessarily articulate these changes. So, I'm trying a new template and as Tom stated in a comment "the medium is the message" which really got me thinking that maybe I didn't need to start something new, but rather change the appearance of what already exists.

I got confused. I moved away and asked myself to be honest with what I expected to be different, and there wasn't much for answers expect that I liked the looks of the new blog. But those changes, as you can see, can be made here.

Some other things happened as well that got me reeling back from last week's plans. The first was that the Lord Krishna read both blogs, something he hasn't done in a while. He was disappointed in me and my attempt to move away from the Sutra. He said he read back on the last couple of months as if reading our history. He didn't feel connected to the new one nor did he understand my motives to start a new one. And because I didn't have much to offer in explanation I listened to his advise and am thinking about all this in a different way.

The second thing to happen is that I got a number of "unenlightening" comments, as Dr. Ken would put it. Indeed they were rather unenlightening in content but they left quite an impression on me. At first these comments freaked me out, but then I got my period and realized that I was emotionally vulnerable in that moment. After I realized this, I thought the comments created a funny response in me. In the face of that adversity, I totally felt a sense of loyalty and pride with this Sutra blog. I find that I like what I'm doing here but it's somewhat sad that it took nay-sayers to make me realize this. I should have just listened to my friends who time after time reassure me about this blog. Thanks M:e, Shannee, Dr. Ken, Zelda, Ronnie, Tapestry, the soultribe, and every single one of you who keep coming back and have nothing but nice things to say.

Why do I doubt myself so much? Perhaps it had to do with the fact that the Lord Krishna had not been reading here for a while. I also think it has to do with the idea that I was uncertain about where this would fit into my life after I got pregnant. Truthfully, there are two related things that are hard for me to admit. The first is that I must somewhere, somehow feel some shame about this TTWD. That I did not want to confront this shame and wanted to just walk away with baby as my excuse. The second is that it is possible that I may never be pregnant. But that's an issue I will deal with when it's time to turn that corner. My doctors say otherwise, but - I'm just going let this one go for now.

Back to shame. I lost my friend Sal a few months ago. I don't know how it happened but now we are no longer communicating. She was one of two people who I know in my "real" life with whom I've shared this blog. From the few conversations I've had with her since last Fall, I've come to realize that she's pulled away from her family and one of her friends (me). How much does this has to do with her new boyfriend? I don't know. And I'm having a difficult time truly believing this as she seems to have found love, and I certainly am not one to criticize someone for the changes that love brings to one's heart, one's schedule, one's life goals. I know what it is to find love and move into that sphere of being with no looking back on the life that was.

But she holds a secret of mine and she knows the URL. And I can't help but feel shame that she might not hold this secret to herself. But that also is somewhat ridiculous because even if we are not communicating, I know I can trust her. Or else trust the idea that my life does not come up in conversation with her boyfriend or others. It simply doesn't. And that one was hard for me to deal with as she was getting to know her new man. I no longer mattered. And I wonder if I ever did.

It has been suggested to me by a couple of very caring friends that I should consider moderating the comments for this blog. While I understand that this prevents snarky comments from appearing on the blog, this solution doesn't really address my sense of vulnerability. You see, it's not that I don't want to see them show up, I don't want to read them at all. Moderating them doesn't get me off the hook from reading them.

One thing that I've already done is taken all the RadhaKrishna images off the site. This may be bringing unwanted traffic to the site, although as I look through the stats I don't see links to this site through search results. But, it makes me feel a bit better. Because in reality, my life and my relationship to my husband, the Lord Krishna, has nothing to do with those images. As much as I like thinking about that divine relationship, my life is not that. It's just a nice way of creating an online identity and a theme for this blog. Yes, I feel the love we share is divine, but we are far from the relationship of a god and his consort.

Let me turn shame on its head for a moment: perhaps what I'm feeling shame about is the idea that I am not the submissive I want to be, not at all like that divine Radha of ancient times. That it's not so much shame about what we are doing, but rather about what I am not doing. Many of these thoughts are arising around my increasing contact with the outside world. I'm no longer feeling completely isolated in my home. At times, I don't feel competent enough to be submissive, which I think takes a lot of confidence in self, role and service. When I feel emotional turmoil I totally depend on the Lord Krishna for grounding me and handling me. And that feels very demanding. It is very demanding.

I dreamed the other night that I slashed my arms open. There wasn't blood but there was sliced skin and I was trying to hide this from my parents. I woke up crying. Later that day I asked the Lord Krishna what he thought of my dream and he said immediately that I'm too hard on myself. I hadn't thought about it in this way and when he said it, the bell rang true and loud, reverberating through my world.

I am hard on myself. I go back through and read the posts from 4 months ago and I like it. Where ever did I get the idea that I hadn't reached any of the goals that I set out when I started this blog. I bemoan not feeling part of the community. Yet, there you are. Friends that say over and over again that they'll stick with me no matter what I write. I tell myself I'm a failure in this world and not really cut out for the harsh realities, but there are opportunities all around me and the second I let the fog lift, they come shining through bright and clear.

The Lord Krishna came home sick from work on Friday. So, we didn't head to Shangri-la until Saturday. And, of course, I got my period, so playtime was canceled for the weekend. And now I'm sick. My head keeps swimming around like I've had too much to liquor to drink and my sinuses are congested. Ugh. I can't believe I've written so much today. I hadn't expected it.

I'm avoiding the reality of tomorrow. He is leaving me. The Lord Krishna will off for a few days on a business trip to NY and PA. I'm going to try really hard to keep it together, to get over my illness, to have things prepared for his homecoming, to not fall apart into a broken radha. I have a meeting scheduled for Wednesday and the sun is going to be shining all the time that he is gone. I don't care what they all say about clearing the garden in the middle of April. I'm going to do it anyway, dang it! I believe that gardening can truly save my soul!

Trying something new...

2009-04-08T14:27:00.002-05:00

Please join me here as I start a new path in life....

Song of Radha

The dreaded alarm clock

2009-04-04T08:41:00.007-05:00

I hate being jarred awake by an alarm clock. You know the kind that invades that lovely dream about bottoms and spanking with the sound of an air raid. This is especially annoying when it goes off on the weekends.

Then there is the alarm clock that is also a radio so that one can wake up with the sounds of NPR or a local station. I remember when I was in middle school I dreamed there was a marching band in my room and it turned out to be the marching band that was on the local station.

Some people have their IPods connected to their alarm clock so that they can wake to soothing instrumental sounds. Or the crazy drums and screaming guitar of a heavy metal song. Nothing like that for a jump start to the heart first thing in the morning.

I had an alarm clock once that chimed like monastery bells. They chimed intermittently and picked up speed if it wasn't turned off. The idea was that the bell chimes would linger into your sleep and allow you to finish the sleep cycle thus leaving you refreshed and ready to face the day. But that one broke soon enough and we were back to the usual radio/clock alarm.

I have stayed in places where the alarm clock was the rooster crowing at the rising sun. It seemed to linger right outside the farm house that my family owned in India. That sound was followed by the braying sounds of a goat or the deep rumbles of the water buffalo housed in the space right next to the house.

When I was in high school in the Himalaya Mountains, we would sometimes be woken by the sounds of monkeys racing across the tin roofs of the dorms. It was a frightening way to wake as I laid there and considered whether I could make it down to the showers without confronting a big red-assed male monkey. But there was a better way to wake: to wake to the sounds of the Muslim call to prayer drifting with the mists across the mountains into my room was divine and ethereal.

I like it when I am drowsing in the early morning, half listening to the sounds of a dove cooing. Those are the mornings I like the best. The gentle sounds of the dove seem to be reminders to turn over and snuggle in the arms of my Lord.

I have always been intrigued by the notion that one can set a body alarm clock. That one can decide when the body is going to wake in the morning and the sleep cycle comes to a natural end. I also like the notion of waking with the rising sun, another natural body rhythm of sleep and waking attuned to the cycle of nature.

Of course, there are also the cats that get it in their furry little heads that it's cool to run around the house, jump on and off the bed in their attempts to burn some energy before their day long naps. Sometimes they lay right next to our heads and purr their heart's out in the hopes that we will get up and feed them early so that they can begin their busy schedule of sleeping all day on the couch.

Why am I talking about this? Well, now we have a new alarm clock. It is really loud and it doesn't seem to have an off button. And it apparently has an identity crisis....

The duck alarm clock! She climbs on the roofs of our house and the neighbor's house and honks up a storm as the sun begins to rise.

So, that's why I am awake and blogging. I just heard the Lord Krishna snoring so I'm glad I got up to let him have the bed to himself. And now that this female wood duck has completed her duties, she's gone, but I'm sure she'll be back tomorrow morning. It's becoming a regular thing.

Rising out of the Dark

2009-04-03T08:51:00.003-05:00

This image really sums up how I've been feeling lately. These buds are always the first to come out of the ground around my house. Nevermind that they rarely bloom into tulips, for me they are sign of rebirth, a renewed attempt at life, and full of potential and possibility. The cement you see behind the buds is the foundation of our house. These new, emerging shoots arise out of the ground earlier than the others because they are so close to the house. They benefit from the heat of the home. They also benefit from the brightest, earliest rays of sunshine in the morning.

I feel that depression is finally lifted. I know that I am on the brighter side of depression. I've been here before. On this side, there is always a period where the emotions are no longer running rampant through me and ironically, being here often makes me feel flat and detached. But this time is different. I am taking seriously the idea put forth by Echart Tolle that I can be a witness to the activities of my mind while finding myself in the present moment. I am finding richness within each moment of Now, rather than despair and confusion. I feel open with the word "yes" constantly on the tip of my tongue and I also find that moving forward, making progress is much easier than I ever imagined.

Tomorrow marks a period of two years since I walked out of my job. Now, I see that walking away was the only choice for me, and I feel good that I took that step. I needed this time to heal and renew my energy and my life force. With my eyes wide open and focused on the abundance in my life, I feel such amazement and gratitude for everything that I have, all the opportunities around me, all the love and passion I share with the Lord Krishna. It's all good! I still don't know where exactly I'm going and yet, I'm still moving forward. I understand now the benefit of winter hibernation and contemplation. I have been in winter for two years, and now it is time to arise out of the dark.

My relationship to things seem less tense. I no longer feel that TTWD is a fantasy that we are striving for, but rather a solid element of our relationship. It did not take the form that I had fantasized about for so many years. This is better, because it is our reality that we created together. Yet, now I find it increasingly difficult to write about it because I feel this urge to just live it. Before I would have fretted over my inability to feel enough to articulate the divine emotions inside me. I see now that I should not struggle to do so.

Staying in the present moment, feeling the Now, helps me be considerably more honest with myself. It is not an honesty that causes rage, or anger, or disappointment, but rather, it is an honesty that is without judgement. This last week I jumped a significant hurdle that barred any rational thought about my doctorate research. I was pushed by two friends to reconsider the significance and relevancy of my work. I feel now that I may be able to transform my dissertation into a manuscript for publication. I no longer feel that I am failed scholar and see that that path was too constrained and rigid for my interests and well-being.

These friends of mine are the published writers who are starting an Arts think tank. The administrative skills I bring to the table were all gained from my experience in my previous job. That is a major factor in understanding that leaving that job wasn't so much of a loss as I realize the skill set that I took away with me was a gain. Now, I have two projects to move forward with.

So much of this has happened because of the confidence I have gained through my relationship with the Lord Krishna. Like the warm foundation of our home that nurtures the emerging tulip buds, I have grown in the warmth and security of the Lord Krishna's love and care.

Many people used to say that I thought too much of myself, that my goals were too big, that I asked for too much. I hardened as I tried to nurture an ego necessary for the type of work I did/do. Then when that hard shell shattered and I collapsed within, I too harshly judged myself. Now I want to say that none of that matters.

Yet, it is still a bit surprising to me that exploring submission within my relationship helped me more clearly see myself in a positive and affirming light. Time stands still in those moments when I'm tied down and waiting to receive hard blows that the Lord Krishna administers to my bottom. The goals are small and simple. I simply try to take what he is delivering, and feel a great sense of accomplishment when the night is over.

It just now occurred to me that the big change here could be that I am no longer thinking about the future in terms of goals. I am focusing on the Now and take one step at a time. I have always felt that my life was charmed and the biggest evidence of that is my marriage to this incredible, wonderful man. I feel grounded with him at my side.

This is my life. And, I am happy to be living it, one step at a time....

I see Spring, He sees an abundance of switches...

2009-03-23T10:14:00.006-05:00

It was such a glorious weekend. The weather is warming, the spring rains are melting all the winter snow. The birds are filling the skies as they make their way further north. I've never seen so many eagles in the area. We heard a pack of wolves late at night. The chaos of the sounds of the yelping wolves and the honking birds told us that the pack had found where the geese were nesting for the night.

We drove on our favorite forest roads trying to ignore the evidence of logging, trying to splash through all the mud puddles, looking for all the signs of spring. We found a stream that leads to the river and decided to hike a bit.

As I was walking along the edge of the stream, I kept thinking about how we are at the end of winter and the beginning of spring. The ice was breaking up, the stream getting louder and higher in the few hours we were there. In this image I see that edge of seasons, the melting snow, the greening plants peeking around the wilted autumn leaves.

And all the while that I am reveling in all these little sights and sounds of spring, the Lord Krishna has other thoughts on his mind. Where I see the tiny buds on the verge of blooming into spring leaves, He sees switches everywhere.

As I'm hunting around for the perfect photographic image that would represent Spring, He is bending, testing every little branch. While I'm soaking in all the sounds of abundant spring, suddenly seeming so loud after the deep quiet of winter, He has found the right implement that suits His needs. I'm surprised and startled when I turn back to find him on the trail that leads to the Jeep. He is waiting with this thin little, scarlet colored twig.

I'm giggling as I drop my cargo pants and panties to the forest ground. I bend over and grab the trunk of the tree in front of me, my eyes darting back over to the road. No, not thinking at all that this is going to hurt. It's just a little stick, after all, nothing to worry about.

Yep, I'm giggling right up until that moment he smacks me with the switch. It was such a thin, little switch, but it stung with all the life and vibrancy of spring. I was astonished with the sensation. It left a very thin little welt on my ass that felt like a scorching scratch across both cheeks. He got in about a dozen little sizzling cracks on my bottom before it broke. Then, it broke again, and again. The shortened switch didn't hurt as much. It's good to know, I guess, that we haven't gotten out of the habit of breaking implements. It's also good to know that there are lot more to be found.

Spring is finally here!

2009-03-20T10:19:00.002-05:00

Woke this morning to two surprises. It was snowing but very lightly. The Lord Krishna is staying home from work today! What a great way to say good bye to Winter. We're headed up to Shangri-La for the weekend.

Good Bye Winter! Bye- Bye!

Hello SPRING!!!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Love from the bottom of my heart,
Radha

In the moonlight

2009-03-18T12:08:00.005-05:00

"Radha Krishna in Moonlit Light"

Watercolor on Paper

Artist: Kailash Raj

I was surprised to find that this is a contemporary painting. Happily surprised because it affirms my own perspective of this divine relationship. For me, the devotion of Radha and her worship of Krishna define the essence of a D/s relationship. I like to think of their relationship as inter-celestial given that he is a deity and she is mortal.

I keep wondering why this is so important to me? Certainly it connects me to a heritage that is mine but unknown to me. It explains the intensity of my feelings for Krishna. It justifies our right to be together. How strange is it to think that anti-miscegenation laws were still in the books of many of the states in the year that Krishna was born. What a bizarre concept!

Laws are created by their transgression. To me this means that there were many people seeking love with another of different skin color and so the authorities had to enact a law to prohibit these sorts of unions. And so now that inter-racial marriages are recognized and legal, the party poopers have to go and try to prohibit gay and lesbian unions. Who knows what drives such people to restrict and limit love. Why? Why? Why?

Anyway, breath-play. When Krishna grasps my throat and pounds into my honey pot, my lust shoots right to the moon. I so enjoy this element of our love-making. Yet, I have had moments of dizziness after we were done. We talked about this and the dangers of restricting my air. Both of us being a bit nervous about a recent dizzy spell has caused us to re-think this. But it is difficult to give up something that gives us both so much pleasure. Now, his hand is lighter, he has a looser grasp on my neck and throat.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometime last week we finally got to rest of the beads in the jar. The jar is now empty and for the record, my ass is rather sore. ((smiles))

But - there's always a but! - we haven't returned to the jar experiment. Last week, i was reminded again about how busy the Lord Krishna is at his job. I place an extra burden on him when i ask him to hold me accountable for my activities. He wants to come home and relax, have a nice dinner, perhaps spank his wife. He does not want to oversee or manage his wife's daily life. He expects his wife to complete the necessary chores. That's me - His wife. When we talked about all this, i suddenly felt so childish expecting him to manage and discipline me. I should be competent enough to fulfil my obligations, my responsibilities as the homemaker and cook in this relationship. And yet, I still want spankings. He said I should just ask. I should ask for a spanking, especially if I have mixed emotions about what I did or did not get done for the day. And, really I should be off my whole hesitation about asking!

He said I should just ask and he will spank me, and he won't feel limited to the number designated by the beads. That's another thing he didn't like about the beads - the limiting of swats. I offered this idea of the bead jar as a way for him to grasp control, and somehow it gave me more control, which he does not like.

Who would have thought this spanking discipline thing would be so complicated for us. I'm sure one day we'll figure it out. And maybe that's the point - it's the experimenting and trying and talking in this process that matters, not the final decision. It's good for me to realize this. I worry about what will happen when I get pregnant, but he assures me that now that spanking is in our relationship, there's no going back.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
We had such a good time with our dinner guests on Saturday! We talked a bit about dangers of going to a camera store and having our "adult content" pictures inadvertently showing up on the big screens. I recently had a problem with the USB cord that goes from the camera to the computer and found that the problem could be resolved with a card reader. There were a few tense moments as I scrambled to explain why the clerk should not test the memory card by connecting it to the large screen. I can't even imagine how horrid that would have been to have the kinky photos of my melons all tied up and turning purple displayed for the viewing pleasure of all those innocent vanillas in the camera store! I managed to blurt out "adult content" to Tony, the camera guru, and he kindly took the camera into a back room. I thought about this incident, but didn't share much details when we all talked on Saturday night.

LT had her own tale to tell, adding that she was happy not to have pictures of "whips and chains." Of course, Krishna and I are eyeing each other, giving each other that knowing smile. I wonder if we'll ever get to the point of talking about this thing we do with D and LT, the couple we've been hanging out with lately. I wonder if they'd be interested in this stuff. They do wonder what makes our relationship work and they did ask several times that night. But, I wonder if they'd be willing to go there. Sex and intimacy don't seem like a priority in their marriage. And, yet they always seem to cuddle more when we are all hanging out together.

On their way out the door, I mentioned the date that I would be ovulating with the hopes that we can all get together again before that date. D smiled and said that he thought Kama Sutra would help with the sex part. I smiled big thinking we had our own Sutra, Radha's lessons in love, to inspire us through the sex part. It was a blissful smile full of knowing the deep divinity of love.

Mystic Friday: The Ambience of Love

2009-03-13T10:20:00.006-05:00

We all
Sit in His orchestra
Some play their
Fiddles,

Some wield their
Clubs.

Tonight is worthy of music.

Let's get loose
With
Compassion,

Let's drown in the delicious
Ambience of
Love.

(Hafiz, trans. Daniel Ladinsky)

This has been a strange week. The Lord Krishna has been ill and when he is sick, his usual busyness at work becomes chaotic and hectic. On top of that, he hates the Spring ahead thing and began each day tired and cranky. I've learned to stay out of his way when he's feeling like this.

His mother has been persistent about getting in his way. Earlier this week she called repeatedly while he was in a meeting. Because he was not able to answer her calls immediately, she freaked out, assumed the worse and had panic fits about emergencies and hospitals. She even called me, something she rarely does. That left me feeling like the third wheel in this relationship. He is her youngest son, so there is history of this sort of behaviour and I am sincerely trying to understand all of this.

There was nothing I could say that would ease her concerns. There was nothing he could say that would ease her concerns. I think I made the situation worse. She is a fan of medication, taking all the dozens of pills that her doctor prescribes. And she became angry with me that I wasn't pushing to make sure he got some pills to cure whatever it was that was ailing him. This third wheel got blamed for throwing everything out of whack. It doesn't matter that the doctor did not prescribe medication. All the tests he ordered came back normal and he's waiting on the results of a few more tests before he suggests a course of treatment. It could be that the Lord Krishna was feeling the effects of slightly high blood sugars this week. When he's stressed his blood sugars go high or low. And if this is the case, there is no treatment other than vigilantly watching his blood sugar levels. No pills can cure this situation.

I am so looking forward to this weekend! So that I can draw him into the ambience of love, extricate him from the chaos of work, surround him with compassion and passion! We are having guests over for dinner on Saturday and I know that this will certainly pull him out of his week-long funk.

Another strange thing this week was the return to sub-zero temps. It was odd, it was just plain weird! Made me feel like I was back in December and January. I'm used to big snow storms in March, but not the return of subzero temperatures. It's messing with my head, with my mood, but I kept myself busy and as a result preparing for guests does not involve frantic cleaning of the house. I'm now on the search for all of our implements so that none show up unexpectedly during dinner!

The weekend forecasts promise 40 degree temps! Hopefully this will melt all the snow and if so, we can expect higher temps for the weeks to come.

Tonight is worthy of music!!

I look forward to the delicious drowning in the ambience of Love.

Glad I bought those beads so many years ago...

2009-03-10T09:58:00.006-05:00

Sometime at the end of the last century the Lord Krishna and I hopped on a plane to Seattle, WA. We had no room reservations, no firm plans, just a really good guide book. We had the options of heading east through the Cascade Mountains or West to the Olympic Peninsula. We went west. And later that week, we found out that a major snow storm hit towards the east, and we would have likely been stuck in our car, literally in the car and on the road for two days. It was a good time to make the right choice. We did get a bit of snow, but we're used to driving in the snow so that didn't stop us. Really, I should say that He's used to driving in the snow, and since He does most of the driving, we were fine. I love that about Him! We visited Hurricane Ridge, hiked out to Cape Flattery, and ended our week with a visit to Jimmy Hendrix's gravesite where Krishna put one of his guitar picks in the ground between Jimmy and his grandmother.

We also spent a few days in Forks, WA near the Hoh Rainforest [which, according to the Lord Krishna, was named after me.] There a number of beach hikes out in that area and all the beaches are numbered. We hiked one of them and spent a wonderful afternoon climbing over the wall of tree trunks rolled in by the tide and gazing at all the creatures in the tide pools. We had a great time, but did not encounter any vampires or werewolves during our visit, maybe because I was in the presence of my own personal deity. :) Anyway, so there is a great bead shop in town where I bought a bunch of shell beads. I had no use for them at the time, I was just attracted to them.

Sometime last week, or the week before, I found a pouch of these beads collecting dust on one of my bookshelves. I thought, yes, now I have a use for them. I pulled them and grabbed a empty jar from the kitchen. When the Lord Krishna came home, I explained to him what I had read on AG's site about the bead jar. We talked about it and for at least a week and half the beads started tinkling to the bottom of the jar.

Fast forward to last Friday, just days after we decided to "kick it up a notch," it was the day the negotiations began. We talked a lot about the differences in discipline spanking and erotic play, my need to be more accountable for my daily responsibilities, my need for more incentive to lift weights and build my arm muscles, etc. There was a lot of back and forth about the intensity of the spanking when the beads are pulled out. He jumped to 10 swats per bead. I managed to negotiate down to 7. I had concerns because beads had been collecting in the jar before we settled on the details. Yet, seven was the lowest he would go. We began our weekend with me on my hands and knees on the bed getting 21 hard spanks with the double leather strap. Although it hurt, I wondered whether I'd ever get to the point of crying. Crying was another big part of our discussion, whether he thought of it as an end or just part of the middle. We'll see...I'm uncertain about whether I will get to the crying and am uncertain about his reaction...we'll just have to wait and see.

Three beads down, two more to go with the wooden spoon. As we're getting to 4 and 5, I'm thinking I'm in over my head, and I realize I hate the wooden spoon. For the next hour or so, he would pull a bead (or two, or three) out and grab a different implement, gauging the pain factor for each on my ass. I can almost see the ideas popping into his brain, all the while feeling that tightening of my cunny at the thought that he really is kicking it up a notch.

A. the double strap; B. the wooden spoon; C. the lil' spanker (his favorite); D. the bat - makes me glad that we never found the leather-covered paddle!

As I'm assembling the Friday night pizza to go into the oven, I'm thinking I'll never make it through all those beads this weekend. By the time I sat down and counted them there were 27 left: 27 beads = 189 swats. Ouch! So, the re-negotiations started! I had completed all my chores on Friday and since a few other things got done, I felt this weekend wasn't so much about the discipline as it was about establishing some rituals. He agreed and relented by saying I could take some of the bead swats on my little hole, obviously not at full power.

Ummm, ok?

With three beads lined up on the table, as I am preparing for the blows, he breaks the crop.

Which I'm thinking is a good thing for me! But, no, the shortened handle of the crop led to more precise swats. How the heck do we manage to break so many implements?!?!? Maybe that's why the crops were so cheap ($5-$6) at the local farm store.

Here's a shot of his big leather chair, which I call His throne. That ottoman is the one that I'm usually bent over when we're playing in the living room.

So, where was I? Oh, yes, the beads. As my ass is getting more sore and red, and a little welted, I'm feeling frantic about keeping to the number of swats for each bead that is pulled. I'm moving and squirming like crazy, and begging like never before: "please, please, wait, wait, WAIT! Hold on, please, please, give me moment, please, wait, wait," but to no avail as he is gripping me with a firmer hold on my hips. And for what seems like the first time, this is starting to bother him.

Eventually he gets tired of my pleas, decides to tie me down and put this whole bead business on hold.

The rope gets looped into my collar, my ankles are tied to the legs of the table, nipple clamps go on. My naked body is stretched on top of the table and all I'm thinking about is: This is his grandmother's table! His GRAMMY'S table!!!

I've never felt so restrained, so completely exposed, so completely vulnerable to his dirty, nasty intentions. ((smiles)) I was a happy Radha, a true Radikha whose worship of the Lord Krishna consists of fulfilling His desires.

There were no beads in this tie-down session. I woke the next morning sore as hell with plenty of ouchy spots, but no visible welts or bruises. Dang! All that with nothing to show for it.

Saturday consisted of taking care of a few more beads. Sunday - well, the Lord Krishna hates the whole spring forward thing and on top of that, I think he had a touch of some sort of flu, so no spanking. The bead count in the jar is down to 6.

While this bead thing was an interesting experiment, there are plenty of issues that need to be resolved. For one, I am thoroughly enjoying the hard swats. This seriously undermines the intent for serious disciplinary spankings. Second, we talked about fear and I realized that what I really wanted was about the unknown which is a very difficult place to go to when we've been in a relationship for so long. Certainly, there was a little bit of fear when I was tied down, but I emerged from that experience all cheeky with a big smile on my face. Third, when the beads are in play, both of us are uncertain about whether the count should be a limiting thing or a guideline. Part of this uncertainty, I'm sure, has to do with the fact that we started this adventure on a day when I was a good girl. Nonetheless, the experience has led to more precise communication, finally feeling like I'm getting past that communication block from last week.

I don't know...we'll see...seems like I've been saying that a lot lately. Part of the reason for all this exploration into establishing rituals is that I feel we need some things in place before I get pregnant, in hopes that it will be easier to return to this thing we do when the baby-making is done.

I thank you for reading if you've made it this far. I'll end by saying that the filming of the T'ai Chi instructor went really, really well last night. I was in a great mood, but nonetheless managed to say some bratty things that resulted in 3 beads tinkling down into the jar. This should be an interesting week...we'll see...

Spring - I need you now!

2009-03-09T10:42:00.003-05:00

Dear Spring,

You're coming to visit soon, right? Please? Now? Please?

I'm getting a total thrashing by this winter, and I don't know how much more I can bear. My safeword in constantly on the tip of my tongue. I'm not afraid to use it anymore. But, really it won't make a single bit of a difference, will it?

I miss you so much.
Love,
radha

A lot to think about...

2009-03-06T10:58:00.003-06:00

I've been reading a lot of people that are doing "brain dumps" on their blogs. So, following their example, I'm going to dump out all that is in my brain this week. A week that began with a focus on gratitude has turned into a week full of unexpected opportunities.

Man, oh man, things are changing here. I knew that once I opened myself up to the University that things would change. And I am torn about all this. I have been away from the University since April 2007, hibernating in my home, relishing my relationship with the Lord Krishna, feeling dormant, healing myself - mentally and physically. For so long I felt like I had no direction, no opportunities, no sense of purpose. And, all this time, I hoped to find a life for myself, a career perhaps, away from the University, out of the Ivory Tower and in the community that I cherish. And, of course there is the baby project that can't be delayed any longer.

Anyway, so I got a call from a good friend of mine who is a professor and a novelist. He is starting a think tank with the intent to bring the Arts together with this new energy in the country that's moving all of us towards renewable resources, horticultural infrastructure in sustainable city planning, and urban farming. He wants me on board as a "brain" (his word) and as the lead administrator. Surprisingly, this is sort of right along the lines of what I have been thinking lately. In fact, it was just this morning that I attended a talk with a woman celebrated for her efforts towards "greening the ghetto." So, change...

I'm trying to curb my idealist nature, and look at this opportunity with eyes wide open. This could be good for a variety of reason, actually it could be really great! For one, I might actually get some mileage out of my doctorate degree. Secondly, this sort of position can accommodate the baby project. Third, there is an opportunity to work with a diverse group including a city council member, a couple of novelists, a historian and a physicist. And, yet, this is all anchored to the University. That's really the only negative. Well, I guess there's also the fact that I'm the only woman to be invited to join this group. But, I know that I can help change this in time.

So, there's a lot for me to think about. I might just be ready for all this activity. My time away from the University has allowed me to heal my mental exhaustion. But, have I learned enough to keep myself from falling into that pit of stress? Have I learned enough about balance in order to keep the goodness that is in my relationship with the Lord Krishna?

Can I do this? Should I do this? Do I want to do this? The answers are yes, yes, and yes.

I feel like I sound shallow. So many people across the country are losing their jobs, losing their homes. While I sit here debating whether or not I'm ready to face this tremendous opportunity that's right in front of me...

The only thing is that I don't want to give up my plans for a photography business. But, then I think this may be an opportunity to continue the photography by documenting the process, or even producing/filming documentaries about the various projects to come out of the think tank....I don't know...my mind is reeling...

I had to get up really early this morning so that I could shower and be ready for this early morning talk. I had to get up early so that I didn't interfere with the Lord Krishna's morning ritual. It wasn't as hard to leave him this morning as I thought it was going to be, although I wasn't able to get the coffee going. I did enjoy the feel of the sore bottom under my brown tights and long skirt. That's one thing to look forward to if I were to take this position - dressing up over my bruises and welts. The little secret under my clothes.

I tried to ignore the shake in my hand as the microphone was handed to me while I prepared to ask the speaker a question in front of a room crowded with people. While I am good at speaking in front of groups, I always get that shake, that bit of anxiety that I have force down. The shakes never stop me, but I always have to struggle to keep that shake out of my voice. I look far younger than I am and that shake does nothing for helping me speak with authority. These are some of things that flood my mind in this environment. These are the things that check my confidence.

I got through it and came home to a messy house, with piles of laundry waiting and dust swirling around the hardwood floors, a reminder that I also need to vacuum. Then, the Lord Krishna called and gave me instructions of what I need to get done today. We've been talking, delving into those unresolved issues in our relationship, things that are moving towards resolution. He wants to give discipline spanking another shot.

My tentative, staccato-like attempts to communicate finally boiled out to blurting that I want to kick it up a notch. He was agreeing before I even finished my sentence.

My mind this week has also been full of ferocity, cruelty, pain. I feel like all my senses are on high gear. Could be the warming weather, could be what's always been there on the other side of depression. I don't know how to communicate these things to the Lord Krishna. Like I said I only managed to be clear when I blurted out that we should kick up a notch, which isn't so specific, but definitely clearer than all the other things I said. I scare myself with some of the thoughts I have, I scare myself in thinking he might actually give me what I yearn for. Which is part of what we're going to explore - consensual fear? Is that a term?

Again, I feel shallow expressing these things. Our relationship is so good, and yet, I want more...

Then, I ask myself why it is that I always judge my feelings and emotions...I don't know...my mind is reeling...so much to think about. I tell myself I don't need to make decisions right away. That everything I am thinking about just need to be sorted through...

A couple more projects: I am filming the T'ai Chi instructor on Monday. We got ourselves a bead jar - thanks, AG!

So, a lot to think about. But, it's all good! The only constant in life is change. I just pray that I make the right decisions and have the ability to express gratitude for the opportunities on my path...

Now, I've gotta go and get all those chores done. For just a second I thought about not doing some these things just so I get a spanking. But, I know that's not a good way to start. It sends the wrong message and right now, considering my inability to fully express myself, I'm thinking that not getting my chores done just muddies the waters.

Be well, everyone! Have a great weekend!
Love,
radha

The eyes, huh?

2009-03-04T15:00:00.001-06:00

"Eyes are Oceans with Unfathomable Depths" Image courtesy of Exotic India.

Note the name of this painting. Do you agree with me that it seems like the Lord Krishna is very much interested in her breasts, more so than her eyes!?

I love the feeling I get when I look at this painting. It reminds me of our lazy Saturdays, and yet, not really as this image depicts perfection. The perfect union, the perfect moment. The setting in the painting is far more beautiful than the cold, wintry upper midwest. Radha's hands and feet are decorated with henna. The bangles on her arm seem like cuffs to me. Her skin is so fair, I wonder what sort of marks were left on her body. Maybe it is her eyes that he is interested in as he devours the emotions that change and shine through when he grabs her breasts...perhaps I read too much in this painting. Perhaps it's not right that I apply the context of dominance and submission in their relationship. At the same time, I know how much I love thinking about reinterpreting that divine union in the context of our relationship in the 21st century.

The Lord Krishna (of my world) says that my eyes are very expressive. I can't hide anything. All my emotions come through my eyes. And sometimes that scares me knowing that I'm constantly vulnerable. I might try to say one thing, yet my eyes will always betray the truth of what I'm feeling.

His eyes amaze me, mesmerize me. I swear they change colors. Sometime they are a bright blue, sometimes they appear green, other times they are gray. I was surprised when I looked at this driver's license renewal form that stated his eyes are hazel. The changing color of his eyes can be unnerving during a spanking. There are times when each time I glance over my shoulder, his eyes are a different shade, a different hue. Is it any wonder that I see him as a deity with color-shifting eyes? But, it also makes me wonder if the change can be read somehow, or if it is just reflecting the various lights in the room. More often than not, I get enthralled with the light in his eyes. It thrills me when he gets that look right before thrashing my bottom. Or that wicked sparkle. The worst is when his eyes are flat. I know then I've disappointed him or angered him.

So, it seems that eyes are the oceans of unfathomable depths. Just like Love, I suppose. Unfathomable depths and unlimited possibilities.

Blogging Friends

2009-03-04T11:13:00.003-06:00

My thanks go out to Andrades Girl and Dr. Ken for mentioning me as a blogging friend! Two of the people I would pay this forward to have been mentioned on every list that I have read - such as Greenwoman and M:e. Another two would be the very two who mentioned me: AG and Dr. Ken. Oh, I can't forget Mina! And I have to say, these folks have been instrumental in making me feel like I am part of a community. One of the reasons why I blog is for the interaction. These last couple of years I have been isolated from my local community and have responded by reaching out on the internet. Truthfully, if I didn't get comments from these folks, I would probably quit doing this thing - blogging, I mean, there are absolutely no plans to quit getting spanked!

There are few more that I want to mention here, although some of these voices have been silent lately. Nonetheless, I mention them to let them know that I quietly await their return!

Slave Neaya at Master's Baby Neaya

Marcus at The Switching Hour

Elizavetta at Vespertine Erotica

Neeraja at Luxuria Erotica

Of course there are others that I would gladly add to this list. However, I leave them out as I have seen recent posts on their blogs about the possibility of going private.

If I could, I would have all of you over for a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, or a shot of tequila -what ever it is that quenches your thirst. And without a doubt I would try to serve you a scone. Although considering my scone baking history, they may not be edible!

Counting

2009-03-02T09:59:00.004-06:00

5 at a time, on each cheek...

My body is bent over, my fingers spread wide on the ottoman in front of me, my toes curl and grip the wooden floors beneath me.

Count them out, his voice sounding stern and demanding, I feel the smack, the pain rippling out from the impact.

one.

He smacks me again with the crop, harder. I can hear the crop whistling in the air right before my cheek explodes again with pain.

two.

The next one comes quicker, catches me off guard, my feet sliding out of position.

three.

My bottom is squirming to the side, he hits the mark nonetheless.

four.

He gives me time to get back into position, my fingers in place, my feet planted, my ass pushed out and waiting.

five.

Even it up, he says, and I brace for five more on the other cheek.

one, two, three, four, five....I can handle this, I'm enjoying this attention...

Then, he pulls out the leather spanker, and the ritual begins again.

one, two, three, four, five...Even it up...one, two, three, four, five...

the new wooden spoon...one...five....one...five...

the double leather strap, and the counting begins again.

How many was that, lil one?

I'm counting quickly in my head, how many implements?, the number slowly emerges from the fog...40, my Lord.

Spread your cheeks, dirty lil slut, Five!

So I obediently spread my cheeks and await the five smacks on my little hole...but these have to be counted differently. The smacks only go up in count when he hits the mark, what eventually amounted to 12 smacks only counted as five.

We're going to have to work on you staying in position, he growls as he grabs the wooden spoon again and wraps his arm around my waist, holding me in position as he smacks me over and over again until I'm whimpering. At first, I try to resist the pain, but soon I settle into to it, my body goes slack, my knees start shaking, my head hangs low, my forehead almost pressed against the ottoman. He stops and pulls me into his lap where I curl into his body...

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These sessions are becoming a regular event on our lazy Saturdays. Right before dinner, in between the episodes on the Netflix DVD, eventually moving to a longer session in the bedroom with attached nipple clamps, ending the night with thunderous orgasms. When he says the number is ten or twenty, I think, bring it on! But I get nervous when the count is smaller as this means he begins strong and hard. Whenever he says "three" I know that he's got some sort of cane in his hand...Returning to the basics seems important to me, relishing the emotions between sessions, feeling the heat surge as the night progresses, connecting in a primal manner...

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Returning to the basics is something I've been thinking about a lot, in all areas of my life. These lazy saturdays are going to end soon. The weather is going to turn and there will be many outdoor, spring chores to complete. Also, as soon as we get to a point of being able to have windows open I will begin painting the rooms of our house. First, the kitchen, then the dining room. And, I need to figure out how to do all this cheaply...

Two neighbors have lost their jobs and are about a month away from losing their homes. This whole economic situation is heartbreaking. I feel desperate as I brainstorm about ways to help them. We have too much waste, I think about ways I can cook more efficiently, I have trouble cooking for two and wonder if I can somehow send leftovers to BR, our neighbor who is a single parent, who lost his wife just a few years ago, and now fears he's going to lose his house. I talk with him about expanding our gardens so that we can grow some of our own food, something I used to do for fun, now seems it might be a necessity. I wonder if he can keep his house until the months where we can actually harvest some edibles. In a few weeks I'll be starting some seeds, again returning to the basics.

I'm also wondering if we can afford our CSA this year, something that does seem like a necessity as we try to have baby. Oh, yes, lazy saturdays will be coming to an end soon...not yet, but soon.

I've been working on getting a stock photography business up and running. And, am finding the path is leading me back to the University, although in a very different capacity. I am both scared and excited. Scared about having to answer the questions from folks that I haven't spoken to since 2007. Excited because I still feel a part of this community and thrilled to be giving back in some fundamental way. I've managed to negotiate a contract with an organization, a situation that supplies them with a large stock of photos that makes then less reliant on the University, and provides for me a stock of photos that I can market to educational publications.

We are anticipating a lot of changes this spring, some good, some challenging. I am inclined to say that postings here might be light for a while, but every time I say that a rush of ideas fills my head...so, we'll see...

For now, I aim to extend the counting into the daytime hours, counting my blessings...one, two, three, four, five...the more I start counting, the more I see the blessings around me. I'm starting this week filled with gratitude...

Divine Intimacy

2009-02-25T09:45:00.000-06:00

(image courtesy of Radha-In-Athens; unsure about the reference to the original painting)

The other day, I spent a considerable amount of time on the internet searching for images of Radha and Krishna, the original divine duo. Some of these images were so breathtakingly beautiful that I decided to feature some of these here, perhaps it will become a regular Wednesday feature.

I began the search looking for an appropriate icon/profile picture/gravatar to represent my presence when I leave comments on blogs. It took me this long to figure out that I could do this! When looking through the images, I felt very strongly about the finding something that included Krishna as so much of my identity is firmly grounded in him and our marriage. After several hours of switching out a variety of images, I settled on the one at the top of this post. But, then this morning I thought that it was perhaps too raunchy for this purpose, and have since chosen a B&W of Radha all by her lonesome. Look to the right to see it.

Looking at this picture, I realize that we've have created this dream at our woodland retreat in Shangri-la. The things represented in this image - the relationship, the love, the cushioned leafy-spot on the ground in the clearing of trees - are idyllic embodying everything that is important to me in this world. It represent the time we share in Shangri-la, yes, but also it invokes what we share when we come together, anytime we come together, and anywhere we come together whether it is the woods or in the heart of the city.

The colors of this painting are beautiful, aren't they? The Lord Krishna in his crowned glory, his Radha bared for his desire. At first glance the image seems gentle to me. A second look reveals the Lord Krishna pulling at her leg to wrap around him while he reaches forward to grope her luscious breasts. Soft and demanding.

Is Radha submitting or resisting? As the Lord Krishna gropes at her breast, Radha's hand is there at his wrist. But, her hand is not grabbing his wrist to pull away. Is it a motion of acquiescence or is it a subtle shy reflex of being so bare, vulnerable and exposed? She's looking down at the ground, he's trying to look into her eyes. It seems like a moment caught in time, that moment right before she looks up into his eyes, the moment before they share a look, a thought, a desire.

It seems to be a moment of leisure, no troubles pressing down, no rush, no risk of exposure. Just the Lord Krishna spending idyll time with his cow-herding Radha.

spank, spank, swat, swat...

2009-02-23T12:51:00.002-06:00

pinch, pinch, moan, swat, swat, groan....

A painful Saturday spanking leads to a sore day of Sunday skiing...

groan, groan, ahhhhhhhh....

Surf and Turf, and His Dirty Valentine

2009-02-18T14:00:00.005-06:00

What a wonderful weekend it was. Cold, yes, but relaxing and loving. We got there, to Shangri-La, in our own sweet time. We lingered in the city, got reacquainted with the familiar sights on the road, took note of all the signs at the diners and supperclubs that had "surf and turf" specials for V-day. Apparently we were on the same wavelength as we had picked up some steaks and coconut shrimp before leaving the city. That, and a nice big bottle of wine.

Ohhh, it was so cold, and I was glad I hadn't had one last look at the NOAA radars before leaving the city otherwise I might have insisted on staying home. The temps dipped down into the teens and that felt especially cold when i went out to pee...

As soon as we got there, we got a big huge fire going. Thanks to the wise advice from Greenwoman, we were able to build a fire that was not effected by the thick (melting) layer of ice at the bottom of the firepit.

Krishna kept the fire going long into the night so that we could step out every once and while and stand outside in this chilly February evening.

I just had to take a picture of the tiny little grill where he cooked our steaks.

The x-country skis stayed in that place next to the grill the whole weekend because there wasn't enough snow to ski on. It didn't matter, we found plenty else to do...I wanted to share this next picture to give you an idea of how hard it was for me to sit there next to the fire. My feet were constantly on ice, and my ass was planted on this cold, hard bench for too long.

One thing that we've been doing these last few years is figuring out what the heck we did on each anniversary. By the end of this weekend, we still hadn't figured out the 3rd, 5th or 9th anniversary. It was so nice this year to be able to go to our trailer in Shangri-La county, to just sit back and enjoy the fruits of this life we share together.

And, here's another shot of the fire, which I find to be so beautiful, before I get on the dirty part of this Valentine.

So, I've been thinking lately, what sort of kinky relationship do we have? He is not interested in my obedience, so I thought, perhaps he's interested in my resistance. He does enjoy wrestling and pinning me down, grabbing me unexpectedly and bending me over for a good spanking. Although he is very curious about the resulting marks, the welts, the bruises, I wouldn't go so far as to say that he enjoys inflicting pain on me, or perhaps it would be better to say that he enjoys spanking and doing other things to me, but it isn't a priority to think about different ways to inflict pain. Whereas, pain is what I think about all the time, at times, too much. But, then I think, why bother with trying to figure this out because whatever it is that I say, it is both true and not true. What might have been true yesterday, or last year, may or may not be the truth today.

Anyway, there is a reason for me to be thinking about this over the weekend. I began to suspect he was interested in what is "dirty". It came to me as I was, of all things, listening to Garrison Keillor. Sometimes I like his radio program, most of the time I don't, but V-day is always a good day to listen, so many great poems, good musicians, and lots of funny talk about Norwegians and Lutherans. The Lord Krishna is both, er, well, he was raised Lutheran, but still remains Norwegian. And this kinky lifestyle we have is so far removed from that modest, humble Lutheran upbringing of his.

Listening to Kiellor, I started to feel so grateful that our relationship has developed into this crazy, spanking, kinky thing that it is. I liked the idea that I had fully perverted this good, Lutheran boy. As his Radha, I take full credit for taking the Lord Krishna down this sensual path. Then later, as I was making up the fold-out bed I started to think about that sneaky look in his eyes when I mentioned something that I thought was "dirty".

Later that evening, the Lord Krishna attached a leash to the cute little, flowered dog collar I had around my neck, then attached the leash to the armrest at the end of the now folded out sofa/bed, leaving my arms and hands free. For what, I thought? It wasn't long before I found out.

I was to reach behind me, pull my butt cheeks apart, and allow him to spank me on my, yunno, my little hole that's back there. Apparently ever since he broke the crop that we have had home, he's been itchin to use the one we leave in Shangri-la. And apparently, he wanted to work on the accuracy of his aim, with what he called the perfect little target.

If my skin wasn't so dark, I would have blushed all over! It seemed so, so...dirty to me, vulgar even! And I think that's the exact reason why we both loved it! My honey pot dripped like nothing I've ever felt before.

Every time my hands slipped away, he swatted the rest of my bottom with that wicked little crop. It's so small, yet I woke up the next morning all bruised, but still smiling.

Oh, I smiled and smiled, relishing the sore bottom and sore little hole, until I remembered I had to go outside to pee.

He keeps teasing me about it, making me admit the extent to which I like it. He threatens me with it at times, which of course just makes me instantly wet. I feel that in some sense he's thinking about it and engaging with the activity more passionately than our other anal play. Maybe it's the bit that tipped the balance away from the sensibility of his Lutheran upbringing. Maybe he likes it because he's finally found something that I think of as "dirty". Who knows? I'm not going to take too much time to dwell on it because whatever it is, it's good!

This weekend...

2009-02-13T12:16:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow we celebrate 15 years of our marriage together. Fifteen years!! That seems like a long time and not long enough!

We were planning a roadtrip to South Dakota, but have decided against it, opting for an excursion that does not increase debt.

We took a gamble and decided to spend some time at our trailer in Shangri-la County, hoping to fill the weekend with cross-country skiing. Unfortunately, there is very little snow left, the result of a heat wave this week. And yet, I am still excited for this weekend. It seems that most years whatever plans we make for our anniversary go bust anyway, so let them go bust and leave us with nothing else to do but spend some time together.

Our marriage was a quickie, in a courthouse just north of the city. We were back to our regular routine the very next day, him at work, me in a composition class. No big wedding, no reception, no honeymoon.

Since then, we have experienced a number of anniversaries that felt like honeymoons, making up for what we didn't experience at the beginning of our lives together.

I expect this weekend to be time for us to reconnect, time to spend with no one but each other, time to revive old rituals, time to get it on, time for me to get my lickin', time to get away from the troubles of world and focus on what is important to us. [He just phoned me and said it was time for my bottom to be welt-ed!] Oh, yes, I sure am looking forward to this weekend.

Have a great weekend, folks! And however you may like or dislike this sort of holiday, I hope you give some time to show and share love!

Brimming with gratitude for all the blessings in the last 15 years,
radha

Before you leave, here's a song that we love...In Spite of Ourselves...

Fire and Ice

2009-02-11T10:20:00.000-06:00

Fire and Ice. Masculine and Feminine. Dominant and Submissive. Yin and Yang. The Sun and the Moon. My thoughts are full of dualities and all these thoughts lead to balance.

We resumed the study of T'ai-Chi Ch'uan, Cheng style last week. I find it interesting to think about how we absorb the lessons differently. The Lord Krishna picks up on the martial arts application of the activity, making sense of the postures and foot positions by imagining an opponent. I have connected to the actions through thinking about the movement of ch'i.

"In the Beginning posture the hands rise. This represents T'ai-chi's giving birth to the "two aspects," which are yin and yang. Yin is form. On the lower plane it is the earth and therefore does not move. Yang is ch'i. On the higher plane it is Heaven and, as it is light and pure, tends to float upward" (57, Cheng Man-Chi'ing's Advaned T'ai-Chi Form Instructions).

Stay with me for a moment, this post could nowhere or everywhere...

Wikipedia says "The relationship between yin and yang is often described in terms of sunlight playing over a mountain and in the valley. Yin (literally the 'shady place' or 'north slope') is the dark area occluded by the mountain's bulk, while yang (literally the 'sunny place' or 'south slope') is the brightly lit portion. As the sun moves across the sky, yin and yang gradually trade places with each other, revealing what was obscured and obscuring what was revealed. Yin is usually characterized as slow, soft, insubstantial, diffuse, cold, wet, and tranquil. It is generally associated with the feminine, birth and generation, and with the night. Yang, by contrast, is characterized as hard, fast, solid, dry, focused, hot, and aggressive. It is associated with masculinity and daytime."

The different ways that Krishna and I absorb the lessons of T'ai-chi interchange the masculine and feminine that is implied in yin and yang, the dynamic interplay of these elements. A martial arts application of these actions seem, to me, to be masculine and yet, he focuses on the yin of the action, grounding his feet in such a way to maintain balance in the face of an opponent. I pick up on the feminine aspects of the activity, focusing on the soft, slow movement of the postures and transitions that give rise to the yang, the moving of ch'i. See the switch? It is a constant interplay of the dynamic movement.

Of course, when thinking about the theory of T'ai Chi, the praxis of such theory is always situated in the context of kink....

In our kinky playtime, he is the giver and I am receiving. Engaging in spanking is an expression and demonstration of the masculine and feminine, a manifestation of the yin and yang in tangible form. I may start with a cold, non-compliant bottom, and yet, as he strikes my bottom, I loosen and heat up, become more open and soft. He begins tentatively, then as he heats up, the blows become rougher, more intense, less precise, as if to draw out the energy. Then, he ends the spanking with gentle rubs that return the energy to me, leaving me feeling safe, content and grounded.

These images are from our weekend in Shangri-la. Even though the wind was picking up, the Lord Krishna insisted we light a fire outside. I piled on lots of oak logs, but the hotter the fire got, the more snow it melted, leading to a fire that burned hot for a little while, then sputtered out a few minutes later. Another striking duality. The fire and snow keeping each other in balance. The dynamic interplay of yin and yang manifests yet again in the way the fire builds heat and the way the snow cools it down.

Aspects of our relationship become more clear out there in Shangri-La. There are clear limitations in the things I can do. He chops the wood, widens the shoveled paths, attends to the maintenance of the propane tanks, the integrity of our ancient trailer. While I am tending the fire, heating water to wash dishes, keeping our trailer clean and organized. There is a clear division of labor based on gender.

There is balance in our relationship when we venture into our woodland retreat. A place where the signs are all around - fire and ice, the sun and the moon are eloquent reminders of harmony and balance.

Bad, bad girl

2009-02-03T08:02:00.001-06:00

Saturday rolled around and surprised us with 40 degree temps! The whole neighborhood came alive and we saw neighbors we hadn't seen in months. The Lord Krishna and I headed over to the house across the street to visit a while with BR. He is a widower and single parent. We had all been rather close before his wife took her own life a few years ago. Sad times in the midwest...but life keeps moving and there was joy in the air as a brief thaw finally came on the very last day of the month.

BR has a great backyard and it was so nice to be able to hang out in the sun, just chit chatting about life, movies, the environment. We followed BR inside his house as he insisted on giving us a DVD to watch. The dog and the cat, CeCe, led the way. CeCe looked so cute as she "hugged" the wide arm of the chair. As we were preparing to leave, BR started petting and spanking CeCe, the cat, who fell into a downward dog position, raising her ass to meet his spanking hand. He kept teasing, saying bad, bad girl, bad girl, CeCe.

Jeez! I felt a whirlwind of emotions: embarrassment about my neighbor spanking his cat, envy that the cat was getting the spanking, intrigue as I caught the Lord Krishna's eye. I also wondered whether BR had ever spanked his wife, but was way too shy to ask. We both were a little frozen in space, not sure of how to react. Yet, we made our way out of his house and I couldn't help expressing my envy on our walk to the store.

I knew that we were going to engage in some spanking later that evening, and now it seemed a little complicated as we expected BR to stop by for a little while later on.

The Lord Krishna solved some of the delicate situation by suggesting a spanking out in the garage. Which turned out to be so delicious it wiped all thoughts of an interrupted evening from my mind.

Then, an hour later, while settled on the couch in front of the fireplace, I heard him snap his fingers. I looked over and he motioned with his eyes towards the cushion on the floor at his feet. Despite the fact that i was sore from the leather spanker and being spanked in the garage, I jumped at the chance to kneel.

He took my face in his hands and said You have been a bad, bad girl, haven't you?

Yes, my Lord. I tried to look away, feeling shy again.

He grabbed me and pulled me over his lap, my upper body against the wide arm of his big leather chair. I hugged it and tried not to think about CeCe - a crazy set of emotions overwhelmed me as he started spanking me again with that dang lil spanker. Smacks against the soreness of previous smacks. It hurt just as much this time and I prayed that BR didn't choose this exact time to stop on over.

He kept muttering Bad, girl, bad, bad girl as he spanked me. Then, the giggling started. Sometimes it all seems so absurd to me!! I felt ridiculous about the idea that the spanking was mimicking the spanking that CeCe, the cat, got earlier that day. But truth be told, if I could have purred like CeCe during this second spanking, I would have...

The Joys of a Woodpile

2009-02-01T11:53:00.006-06:00

The itinerary for Saturday evening: dinner, a fire in the fireplace, season 5 disc 4 of Northern Exposure, and a spanking.

He grabbed the log carrier and headed for the backdoor, then stopped. He wandered back to the bedroom. I could hear a little rummaging around and my heart started beating faster, I was feeling shy and excited all at the same time. He smacked the door frames with the leather spanker as he made his way through the house. Meet me outside was all he said as he glanced over his shoulder at me on his way out the door.

I held myself back, oh, maybe, five minutes thinking this gives him time to chop a little wood before I met him in the garage.

As I walked out to our backyard, the crescent moon shone brightly over the garage, giving me the feeling of something new, something exciting. Then, I noticed the neighbor two houses down walked out and so i lingered a bit slyly watching him, gauging whether he'd be able to hear anything from our garage. Good, he did not have a coat on so chances were he wouldn't be outside very long. I had hoped to get into the garage without being seen and thought myself to be so clever until I hit the motion detector light on the corner of the garage. Suddenly there was a bright spotlight on me.

I ran the rest of the way into the garage, only to be stopped short by the wicked look in his eyes. I was also surprised by the way his pickup truck filled the garage. I had forgotten about the truck and when he mentioned that he wanted to spank me out there I had imagined this big, open, grungy, dirty space of the garage.

Can you shut the door and still get around the truck, naughty girl?

I nodded, my tongue still tied up with shyness.

I took one more look down the alley looking for people walking by. All clear. I shut the garage door and skirted around the truck trying not to think about the cobwebs that I had to brush past. Again, I am dazzled by the bright lights in his eyes, that special look that he gets right before he's going to spank me.

I grasped the hand that he held out to me, and reached into my coat pocket to pull out the little camera. See, I was thinking there would room in the garage to maybe take some pictures, but the truck took up most of the space resulting in very little space between it and the woodpile. He grabbed the camera out of my hands and put it down: There's no time for that, lil one.

He grabbed my shoulders, turned me around and pushed me against the woodpile, kicked my feet further apart, and lifted my hands high up on the wood. God, I love it when his law enforcement heritage kicks in. I tried to quiet my mind as he pulled my sweats down, baring my ass to the chill of the garage. I tried to brace for the first smack, knowing that he was just going to go at it with the "lil spanker." Here's a picture of it:

Believe me! There's nothing little about it! It hurts! And it covers a wide area of my ass!

Soon, I was squirming, pressing my belly up against the rough pieces of wood, my fingers trying to get a grasp of the logs, digging in trying to brace myself to absorb the pain, trying not to cry out as I was frightened to be heard in case some neighbor was walking down the alley.

Everytime I squirmed and pressed my body against the wood, he would reach forward and pull my bottom back, growling. And now, I'm pleading, please, please, stop, please, it hurts....

He would stop and rub my bottom, his lips right against my ear, We're not done yet, are we? He asked. And I had to admit, no, no. Good.

He began again and again, until my legs were shaking, my ass was on fire, and I felt thankful to have the woodpile to hang on to. And, here I had thought that the constrained space of the garage would limit him, that perhaps a shortened swing would lead to a less painful spanking. But, no, it hurt and I prayed that my bottom would get to that point of numbness, but, no again. My eyes started to water towards the end, and when he finished his business, he turned me around and gently wiped the corners of my eyes.

I thought to leave and return to the warmth of the house before my sweatiness from the spanking chilled my body. But, he told me to open the door and wait for him to complete splitting the wood. Stay right here and cool down a bit, he demanded, and I obeyed. Watching him split the wood just made me horny. He is so strong. I could see his muscles even though he was wearing a winter coat.

As I was thinking about how to write up this post, I thought perhaps there would be some wise insights after returning to spanking after so long. Again, no. After the spanking, I was just filled with lust, love, and gratitude. This winter I'm finding so much joy with the woodpile...

Mystic Friday: Egolessness

2009-01-30T10:21:00.003-06:00

"There are seven facets of awakened mind that we can consciously cultivate to enhance the path-like texture of our life. The first is egolessness. In order to grow, we must be willing to give up territory. We may look fervently for the teacher, teachings, or situation that fits into our comfort zone, but the path is not going to happen on our own terms. Are we prepared to abandon our habitual patterns--to give up the support of concepts, opinions, and comforts? To make progress, we need to be willing to change."

Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, Shambala Sun, March
2009.

In many way, I equate submission with egolessness. Submission is interrogating my own conceits, my selfish and insincere tendencies, my expectations, the very reasons why I continue to live in the same patterns.

This week, I returned to meditation, something that I have not committed to in a long time. I used to be so dependent on my mala whenever I meditated that when it finally broke, I felt like something had broken in me. With the new year, I am trying new techniques, and there seemed to be an instant change in my state of mind. I feel more open, more soft, more willing.

As I pursue the path to egolessness, I feel more comfortable with submission, and understand the barriers I felt this past year. I also feel different about my relationship with Krishna. I understand that for far too long I sought to be forced into this state of egolessness, forced into submission. I maintained a certain level of resistance, perhaps subconsciously retaining a portion of my arrogance which led to impatience and unrealistic expectations.

We may look fervently for the teacher, teachings, or situation that fits into our comfort zone, but the path is not going to happen on our own terms.

My resistance kept me in a situation that fits my own comfort zone. And now, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why I was so locked into my comfort zone. Yearning to have change in my life was the very thing that led me down this dead end. Now I want to keep my yearnings and expectations in check as I feel more open to the flow of my life.

I feel so shy about spanking after so long without one. The last night we had significant play time was new year's eve, which was a wonderful way to end the year. There have been a couple of spankings this past month, but they were short and not followed by sex. And now, the Lord Krishna has the impatience and has declared Saturday night as the time resume. I am excited!!! I feel that excitement I felt when we began this thing we do. This excitement invades my meditation, and while it is a welcome change from the negative thoughts that arose during my meditation, I will return to my breathe, release it, and be open to the flow of my life...

I have been spanked....

2009-01-27T14:04:00.005-06:00

For the first time in a long time, I am going utterly crazy in this subzero state. The winter is getting to me and I yearn to be outside. I am going crazy over my computer. I am going crazy over the unpredictable appearance or disappearance of my illness. Since the new year the Lord Krishna has been treating me with gentleness and care, and this too is starting to drive me crazy. It was needed for most of this month. But that time is done! I'm ready to return to my life, eager to be spanked, eager to move forward with the day, eager to kneel at his feet, eager, eager, eager...

So, I've compiled a collection of images that bring up fond memories of spankings past.

I have been spanked many times in our trailer in Shangri-La County, at times kneeling on this couch with my face pressed against the window, at other times, kneeling on the floor with my ass bared over the seat cushions...

I have been spanked by the river, leaning over this picnic table, keeping my eye on the road...

by the fire, in the dark of the night, under the stars...

by the lake with the waves crashing near us...

by the rocks, under the graceful arch...

I have been spanked in the summer...

I have been spanked in the fall...

and, of course, I have been spanked in the winter.

Now I'm ready for spring.

The end.

BEWARE of Antivirus 09

2009-01-25T14:46:00.002-06:00

My computer got invaded by Microsoft and its new Antivirus 09!!!

While using the computer, we suddenly got a message saying that there were viruses and such, but when following the instructions, we were led to a purchase page where you can pay $49 dollars to fix supposed problems. I ran my regular McAfee security that scanned everything and said there were no viruses, etc. Yet, we couldn't get away from the Microsoft warnings. It took over my computer.

This morning I was blocked from my AOL email, my Yahoo email, and all blogs that have the adult content warning screens. Which pretty much locks me away from anything and everything that is important to me.

This is such a SCAM. First they scare you into thinking the computer is going to crash. Then, I felt forced into purchasing the antivirus software, which didn't solve the supposed issue but made it worse by installing something that invaded the whole system. Uninstallig the program had NO effect!

Krishna was able to call in a friend who had encountered this problem with many of his clients, and he ended up doing a restore....

Now, we have the task of trying to cancel the purchase...

BE WARNED! And, please BE CAREFUL IF YOU GET A WARNING MESSAGE FROM MICROSOFT ANTIVIRUS 09. It is a scam and they use scare tatics....

B&B Weekends

2009-01-21T12:44:00.009-06:00

Back in 1997, when the Lord Krishna and I were looking to move out of our apartment into a house, I wanted only to look at homes that also had a fireplace. We started looking because our rent was going up $600 and at the time it seemed outrageous to be paying that out for rent rather than a mortgage. Times sure have changed, haven't they? We ended up buying a slightly smaller house because this fireplace was so great. We got a lot of crap from our friends as they perceived this to be a moment of "settling down." It wasn't until the recent mortgage crisis that I realized what a wonderful financial decision it was for us. And, it did settle us down.

That I attribute to the fireplace. When the fire is lit, it becomes our event for the evening. Cozying up next to the fire, playing some games, reading some books, or just watching television. The fireplace, when lit, adds so much life to the room. The crackling of the fire as the wood burns down, the heat of the flames, the smell that floats all through the neighborhood.

We started our marriage with a really tight budget. Krishna was working for $7 an hour and I brought in a few thousand dollars a year with my occasional teaching gigs. Regardless, we always tried to do something nice for our anniversary which is in February, and in the warmer months, we always found the means to go camping and hiking. Our attempt to live within our means created some really beneficial habits that have sustained us, especially now in a time when I am not working. Living without cable, cellphones, taking the time to cook at home, all this led to saving money in a way that allowed us to get those things we dreamed about. We were able to buy that cheap, thirty-year old Airstream trailer and suddenly, our interests in camping transformed into a rustic retreat in Shangri-La County. Opting for a used twenty-year old boat got us out on the water faster without having to pay off a $20,000 loan. But, these things came later, and now I'm distracted from what I meant to post.

One thing we did splurge on in the early days of our marriage was visiting B&Bs. Krishna's sister-in-law was a B&B fanatic. Our neighbor who has traveled the world always seeks out B&Bs, and she always returns with great stories. So, we thought we'd give it a shot.

The first try was for our 1st anniversary and we chose a place that was on the river that borders the state next to us. It had a really tall bed, you had to take a couple of steps up in order to climb into it. I think this is why today we have such a tall bed, so tall that at times, I was afraid I would fall off of it! The next few years we ventured a little further from home, up near the Apostle Islands. Our fourth anniversary was at a really amazing place where the menu was a verbal one to allow for daily changes caused by the varying availability of local, organic ingredients. We were treated to a lovely seven-course dinner with a surprise opera performance, and the owner playing a violin as he wandered in between and around the tables. The next morning was another fabulous meal with a three-course breakfast at a table overlooking the frozen Lake Superior. It was the best of the best, but it also seemed a little out of our league. I could have used some coaching to get me through the seven courses, and all the little palette cleansing things in between. We were more the type to belly up to the bar and gorge on big old greasy burgers, with the sounds of the jukebox in the background or the local band in the corner. I was not getting this whole B&B experience that my sister-in-law and neighbor raved about. Don't get me wrong. The experiences were great, but I didn't like the schedules - breakfast before 9 or 10 and always being dependent on eating out.

The very last B&B we stayed at was off the Lake and on the top floor of a big house. I was just uncomfortable. I felt like we were staying in my in-laws' house with parent-type people just below, close enough to hear our rowdy sexual behaviour - and we weren't even kinky back then! We haven't been to a B&B since, and now when we roadtrip we stay at motels and cheap little cabins, preferably ones with kitchens, so we can cook and eat when we want to, on our own schedule.

It was around the time of our last B&B visit that we realized we had all those elements in our very own home. And the fireplace was the star of the show! Best of all, we could have our kitties near by. Some people have children, we have cats. :)

We began having B&B weekends at home. Usually when there was a raging blizzard outside. I think the trick is having the perfect recipe for breakfast/brunch, like a mushroom tarragon bread pudding with fresh fruit, freshly squeezed juice, and great coffee. Throw in a bloody mary and that's when the party really get started! There needs to be loads of firewood to keep the fire burning all weekend. This looks to be the right amount:

No, just kidding! This is a our supply for the whole winter! A few times when we hadn't stocked up , we would run to the gas station and dish out $12 for three bundles of wood. My mother-in-law would gasp and object until the day that I pointed out $12 goes really quickly in one round of drinks at the bar. She liked that answer and I think she became more comfortable with me eloping with her son. Yeah! Love wins!

I've been thinking a lot about the marriages in my world that have been dissolving. And not in the way that G-Dub handles her marriage which was with care and compassion. But rather, those that end in spite and turmoil. I wonder how much time they spent together, just being with each other. People who have time for the bar and their friends, but not their significant others. And I've been thinking about the financial crunch that weighs upon their lives. People who have bought huge five-bedroom homes for their three or four member families. People who have filled those homes with argument and strife, rather than love and security. I think about this one couple I knew who had one child and also three fireplaces in their home which they never ever used, and eventually they split up. I can't help but think, jeez, if they'd only used the fireplace maybe things would have been different.

And, I think back fondly on our B&B weekends at home, which is a cheap, loving way to spend time together. I wanted to share my experience here.

The Lord Krishna and I started playing chess in front of our fireplace. This helped us settle, and it helped us keep the music on, rather than turning to the television. I'll get spanked for this one - I remember winning all those times in front of the fireplace. The first night he really whooped my ass in chess was the night after I defended my doctorate dissertation. It was a humbling experience. And it was the first time he smacked my bottom a few times with his belt - at least a year before discovering blogs and my submissive desires. It was the night that both my queen and my panties went down. What a night that was!

I like when the wood is all stacked up next to the fireplace. The sight of it guarantees a cozy night. But, here, look a little closer at the birchwood:

It's beautiful, isn't it? All the curling layers, and the rich deep tones of brown. I imagine the bark sparking and crackling as it placed on the fire, the smoky aroma that fills the house. The straight line of holes pecked by a sapsucker or perhaps, a great big red-headed woodpecker.

Such a contrast to the dark bark of oak that sits above this piece of birch. We need both in our fireplace. The oak for the heat and the birch for the flame. Seeing the two right next to each other also makes me smile as it makes me think of the difference in the color of our skin. My creamy brown next to Krishna's paler hue.

The wood represents so many wonderful things in my life with the Lord Krishna. Warmth, heat, fire, love, passion, home...It's such a simple pleasure. And I truly believe it's these simple things we do that keeps our marriage going. As the wood burns down to ashes, it becomes a loving reminder of the impermanence of things in this world.

swans of love

2009-01-20T11:18:00.007-06:00

We found a bench after two miles on the cross country ski trail. We found a pocket of warmth and quiet in a wind-chilled park full of weekend skiers. The Lord Krishna brushed the snow off the bench and invited me to sit for a while.

The view of the frozen river stretched for miles in each direction. He squeezed my hand real tight and the look in his eyes filled me with love. The quiet of the moment, the warmth of sharing this moment felt sacred and magical. All seemed right with the world - a world full of promise and hope, and of course, love. I thought about all the different ways we had reached this spot in our shared history together. We've hiked by this bench on numerous camping trips. We've canoed on this river, gliding past this spot on the riverbank. And, now we had braved the cold winter temps to ski along the river.

From a distance down river a multitude of sounds came rushing upon us. A flock of swans flew overhead filling the sky with their flamboyant honks.

Swans represent the perfect union. I took this as a sign of our love that has evolved and grown over the last fifteen years. I took it as a sign of perfect union with the frozen landscape of our afternoon outing. The loud cacophony of honks was deafening as they flew overhead. It filled me with riotous joy!

We have seen the swans every time that we have skied along the river. Usually they are across on the other side, floating on a spot in between the riverbank and an island, a little further up the river from the bench. Skiing past that spot upriver, I sadly turned my eyes back to the trail as I realized the swans weren't there in their usual spot. Their arrival in the air above the bench where we were seated seemed to bless that moment of perfect union. It opened my consciousness to all that was around me.

I was reluctant to leave our little bench by the river, but the sun was steadily approaching the horizon, the wind picked up speed, and the temperatures were beginning to fall. Knowing that a warm meal and a good spanking awaited me at home made ending that moment a whole lot easier. A warm belly and a warm bottom - who could think of a better end to a glorious day!

In the name of LOVE

2009-01-19T08:27:00.001-06:00

"There is no non-violence or violence, there is only non-violence or non-existence..."
(from the recently found speeches that Dr. King gave during his month long visit to India, heard on NPR.)

"At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love."

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. "

Happy Birthday, Dr. King!

Keepin it squeaky and safe...

2009-01-17T12:21:00.000-06:00

Mystic Friday: The Freshness

2009-01-16T10:26:00.003-06:00

When it's cold and raining,
you are more beautiful.

And the snow brings me
even closer to your lips.

The inner secret, that which was never born,
you are that freshness, and I am with you now.

I can't explain the goings,
or the comings. You enter suddenly,

and I am nowhere again.
Inside the majesty.

Rumi, trans. Coleman Barks, 1996.

Have you heard of the Secret? I first heard of this film about three years ago. At the time, I resisted, insisting I already knew these truths, experienced the law of attraction, found my evidence in the path of my life with the Lord Krishna. It was a good life, we achieved things easily and quickly, had faith that every day would bring us more happiness and adventure. Then, when I started to spiral down into inactivity and despair, in a moment of brightness, I thought, I should read the Secret. The very next day, my friend Sal informed me that she had a copy of the book. I read through this, one section at a time, and it took me over a year to finish. But I've come to find that the Universe likes speed and faith, so i remained stuck in the mud thinking I needed to wait til Krishna had also read this book. Finally, the other day we watched the film together.

It was exactly what I needed in my time of despair. I was ill and quickly coming to the understanding that my own thoughts had manifested this illness. I never got sick, and suddenly I am plagued with illnesses through my years of despair. I had isolated myself from my community. I am in subzero lockdown that keeps me from going for a run through my neighborhood. My thoughts were stuck like a broken record in negative moments from the past.

That night, the night after the Lord Krishna's birthday, we started a campaign of happiness. We talked about our next set of goals and all those little tips to break the cycle of negativity.

The inner secret, that which was never born,
you are that freshness, and I am with you now.

I began to see the abundance in my life, the steadfastness of Krishna's love, the mysterious possibilities of the future. I love that I am married to a forty-year-old man! I kept in the forefront of my mind that I already had all that I needed in life.

The very next day! Oh, my! The very next day, less than 24 hours from starting a campaign of happiness, I got an email from National Geographic requesting permission to use some of my film footage!!! National frikking Geographic!!!!

Whoooohoooo!!! and Yaaahooooo!!!

I can't explain the goings,
or the comings.

I cried as I read the email, then shouted to my kitties and the Universe that I was crying because I was happy. I was crying and shouting like a madwoman, but I felt good!

You enter suddenly,
and I am nowhere again.
Inside the majesty.

This experience impressed upon me the idea that I need to write more, share more of my film footage, start that stock photography business that I've been tossing around in my head. But, here's the thing i need to sort out: Krishna is adamant that I maintain anonymity with this blog. That is why I haven't sat down and written out the incredible adventures of our life. I'm determined to work this out, somehow, because even if I am nowhere again, I am still inside the majesty.

I find it hard to start another blog that is not readily connected to a blogging community. I crave the interaction through the comments, my creativity is driven by the idea that I am engaging with a community, a friendly audience.

Do you have any advice for me, my spanking and kinky friends?

So, here's a bit about our adventure. I can't resist writing about it this morning, but I can't share the film footage because Krishna's beautiful face is in it. You can look for it a new National Geographic film - tee hee! Whoohoo! My fingers are crossed in the hopes that it makes the final edit, but I feel pretty certain about it considering the uniqueness of the phenomenon caught on film.

Adventure in Horseshoe Canyon
Last February, Krishna and I went to Moab, Utah to celebrate our fourteen year anniversary. We hoped to hike out to Horseshoe Canyon and spend some time experiencing the sacredness of the pictographs and petroglyphs at the Great Gallery. The site contains amazing artifacts that some date as 8000 years old. The site is a 2 1/2 hour drive from Moab, with the last thirty miles on dirt roads which unfortunately at that time of the year were covered with snow. Upon reaching the rim of the canyon, the hike begins with a descent of 1 1/4 miles to Barrier Creek at the bottom of the canyon. The hike to the Great Gallery and back is about 7 1/2 miles, taking something like 4-5 hours to complete. It really wasn't all that difficult, except for the fact that the last of it is climbing back up that 1 1/4 mile to get to the canyon rim and our Jeep. We packed a lunch to eat at the Gallery and began the hike.

The hike down was on an old trail and guided by rock cairns. I couldn't help but feel like Dr. India Jones as we made our way down to this deserted canyon, seeking ancient sacred sites. We saw no one on our hike. Then down on the canyon floor, I suddenly felt like I was in a Lord of the Rings film set as I gazed at the massive rock formation that created the gate into Barrier Creek. As we made our way to the first site of petroglyphs, we heard a very loud bang, like the sound of gunshot, echoing through the canyon. Extremely frightening because with the sound echoing on the narrow canyon walls, it is near impossible to pinpoint where the sound came from. We heard this sound a half a dozen times. We continued regardless.

The first set of petrogylphs, the High Gallery, is on the east side of the canyon. We turned to head over to the west side of the canyon, where a little further down there is another set of petroglyphs called the Horseshoe Gallery. Krishna was ahead of me, and I found myself whining "slow your roll, love." I pulled out my camera because I had to cross some ice, which was odd to me as there was no water in the creek (although there is always the danger of flash floods), and I wanted to capture some of the oddities from our hike.

In that split second, the rock above the Horseshoe Gallery cracked and split from the side of the canyon wall. And suddenly, BOOM, there is a rockfall on the trail! My hand shot up and I managed to catch the entire thing on film as the huge rock split in three and came crashing down. The rock crashed directly on the trail, about 50 feet in front of us. When the dust settled, Krishna insisted we continue stating that we now knew the source of the loud gunshot-like sounds, and had actually seen the rockfall, so in his mind, we were now safe.

So, we continued and heard no more eerie sounds, except our own voices echoing "I love you" in a particularly narrow part of the canyon. We had an incredible lunch at the Great Gallery, and spent time just gazing and meditating upon the ancient artwork. The colors of the art was bright and brilliant whites, reds, and blues. It was the blue that so captivated my attention. Birds circled above us, nearby were dinosaur tracks, and I thought about the other lovers that had made their way down to this site in the last 8000 years. It felt like we were the only people in the world, and we had found an incredibly sacred site.

We were lucky. Lucky that I had pulled my camera out at that exact moment. I'm damned proud of my photographic instincts that checked in and helped me frame the shot perfectly. It was a gift to me. Lucky that i asked Krishna to slow his roll, as we would have been under that falling rock if we were going any faster. Lucky also to have caught an actual rockfall on film. When I shared the film footage with the rangers at the National Park I came to understand that it is very very rare to catch an actual rockfall. Most get the aftermath, the cloud of dust and debris, or they are able to shoot the resulting pile of rock from the rockfall. I got the actual thing!!

When we finally climbed out of the canyon, trying to make a hasty retreat to beat the setting sun, I stopped and did some yoga on the rim. We both felt as if the adventure was over. Boy, were we wrong! The snow on the dirt roads on our way to the canyon had melted during the five hours of our hike. The melting snow turned the road into long rivers of mud. It was white knuckle drive with a slim chance of success. But, that's a story for another day...

I thank you if you have made it this far on this very long post!

I look forward to this weekend as it promises some fresh snow and above freezing temperatures.

And the snow brings me
even closer to your lips.

Krishna, the next month brings us to fifteen years together. I'm thrilled to ponder the possibilities of our next adventure - the FRESHNESS of it all!

Mystic Friday: Burnt Kabob

2009-01-09T13:55:00.004-06:00

Last year I admired wines.
This year I am wandering inside the red world.
Last year I gazed at the fire.
This year I am a burnt kabob.

Thirst drove me down to the water,
where I drank the moon's reflection.
Now I am a lion staring up
totally lost in love with the thing itself.

Do not ask questions about longing.
Look into my face.

Soul-drunk, body-ruined, these two
sit helpless in a wrecked wagon.
Neither knows how to fix it.
And my heart, I would say it is more
like a donkey sunk in a mudhole,
struggling and miring deeper.

But listen to me. For one moment
quit being sad. Hear blessings
dropping their blossoms
around you. God.

Rumi, trans. Coleman Barks, 2006.

It's been far too long since I've come up with a Mystic Friday post. Today, this poem reached out to me and compelled me to contemplate, meditate and journal. I'm running out of poems, perhaps the reason why I haven't done this in a while, but I am not going to hesitate to recycle some poems I've already used.

Last year I did admire the wines and smoked a great fire, and now, my stomach is suffering the consequences. Soul-drunk and body-ruined, I face a new year with the intent of healing and moving forward. Last night I went to bed early to escape the stomach pains. When the Lord Krishna came in and put his arms around me, surrounding me with warmth and safety, I felt like a little girl being put to bed by her Daddy. It gave me cause to wonder at the cycles of life that run back into itself, not unlike reincarnation that gives the soul chance after chance to try it at life again and again. I see now that I am at the end of one life, on verge of opening into a new blossom. Right now I am that burnt kabob awaiting the final collapse into ashes. I pray that when the cycle is complete, there will be only silence. That I may be silent enough to hear the blessings falling all around, softly like the snow that blankets the earth.

Quit being sad, little radha, He whispers in my ear as I drift off to sleep. I'll try, my Lord, I promise, I'll try.

He saves the day, yet again!

2009-01-09T09:35:00.004-06:00

OK, so I'm on my way to doing the laundry, feeling good about getting a head start on this before the weekend, making the intention to be mindful in my activities today, wanting the feeling of accomplishment to take me to another level of satisfaction. The wash cycle completes and I load the sheets into the dryer. Then, nothing, no spin, just warm air.

Arrrggghhhhhhhh!!!!

The dryer is broken? Damn! A thousand time, DAMN!!!!!!!

My mind races through the list of stresses that await me:
money for a new dryer - no.
Wet sheets in the dryer - trip to the laundrymat.
Of course I think - the world will not cooperate!
I call my Lord and blurt out the terrible news.

This is where His confidence and problem-solving skills astound me! He says "Cool, no problem, we'll open up the front and top, and see if we need a new belt."

My Lord Krishna - handyman extraordinaire! He stays cool and collected, while I imagine the world collapsing around me, laughing at my attempts to find meaning in my daily activities.

It really makes me wonder why I'm wired to always envision doom. He takes it up as a challenge. I suppose that's why he's my Lord, and I'm his Radha, and not the other way around.

I think our washer and dryer set is over twenty years old, could be thirty because when we moved into this house, they already looked twenty years old. It looks like that is the very reason why Krishna is able to tool around and fix it. Apparently they were built to last, so Krishna sees this as regular maintenance. That thought never occurred to me.

Last november two pipes in our basement burst. Luckily we were home, and Krishna just turned the water main off, went to the hardware store for a couple of shut-off valves, found the necessary replacement pieces, and fixed it all.

As much as I complain about being just the wife, I am damn proud to be His wife, His radha.

New belt? I like the sound of that! Perhaps I should ask him to reacquaint me with the belt around his waist. It could teach me a thing or two about not always standing on the precipice of doom!

Kinky Knits and Other Things

2009-01-08T08:34:00.005-06:00

On cold, dark evening, I sat my tender bottom down and knitted a pair of handcuffs.

Recently I learned how to add beads to my knitting! This helped tremendously with the design. The first pair of cuffs that I knitted curled up on me. The beads help keep the shape.

Of course, this project required a trip to the hardware store. I bought the rings there, and as I finished the design by sewing the ends together, I sewed the rings into place. I'm always in the hardware store picking up kinky items such as pervertable spanking implements, ropes, slim dowels, etc. I hope that the guys there haven't figured me out.

Sadly, my hardware store is closing down. It's so rare in these parts to find a independent hardware store. We used to have one in the neighborhood just two blocks away. Then the Home Depot moved into town and bought out all the stores within a ten mile radius. The one surviving hardware store that was just out of reach is now scheduled to close, very soon. It is relocating, actually, but to a suburb, at least a fifteen minute drive. If one is addicted to the hardware store as much as we are, you would see how inconvenient this is for us because while we are engaged in a project, we take frequent daily trips.

I've been feeling restless lately, and partly that's due to being ill with a "sour stomach." At least that's what I think it is. I turning to a vitamin B complex and apple juice to restore the balance to my system. Yogurt is also recommended, but I have lactose issues, so I'm keeping this as a last resort. Yesterday, while at the pharmacy picking up Krishna's insulin, I scanned the shelves for medication for the "sour stomach." There were over a dozen options and all of them scared me. It made me glad that I sought out more natural solutions before looking for medication. The options were overwhelming and the side effects list was way too long. I began the year a little scared to eat because of the resulting stomach pains, but now I'm missing my kitchen and food!

And there are other reasons for my feelings of restlessness. Another year is beginning and I still haven't figured out what to do with my life now that I'm all grown up, degree-ed and all. It is surprising to look at what has changed in my life, and I'm wondering where the hell I am, who I am, what I want to do.

The Lord Krishna constantly amazes me. He is so strong, steadfast, and confident with who he is and what he does. He works for a company that strives to be environmentally conscious, and he does his part by negotiating contracts that reduces greenhouse emissions.

I think about all this as I knit which can be both soothing and thought-provoking. I never thought that I would be just "the wife." That might have worked for me last year, but this year, I struggle with the idea that my greatest accomplishments are getting the laundry done and the house cleaned. My little craft projects aren't cutting it anymore.

We toss around the idea of leaving the city and starting fresh somewhere else. But this is a terrible time for us to be considering a move, what with so much unemployment throughout the country. Krishna's got major job security here. Finding a job for myself is a tricky situation because we are also trying to have Baby, and finding a job would push that process off at least another year. Many of the places where I was going to volunteer have closed shop, gone out of business.

So, I return to my knitting and induce the soothing feelings, my thoughts returning to Krishna's strength. I finally came upon the thought that perhaps I am struggling to write about our intimacy because I am surprised by the developments. Previously, I struggled with his gentleness, now I am stammered by his strength. He has handled me with much care and sensitivity since we got married. I think he's getting over that. Our playtime has become...shall we say?...more vigorous, more harsh, more exciting, more, just more?! And the intensity feels more private, more sacred.

On New Year's Eve we tried some kneeling. Kneeling at his knee while he was enthroned on his gigantic leather chair, I reflected back on how much had changed, and how change could come quickly. That night, the change was me on my knees. He pinched my nipples with come clamps on a chain. He'd snap his fingers and I knew he expected me to kneel on the cushion with the roaring fire warming my bared ass. Another change, communication without words.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the hallway mirror on my way to the bathroom. I had been ordered to clean myself up as I had created a soggy mess of my crotch, a lusty response to the leather strap. And I didn't recognize the face I saw in the mirror. I didn't recognize the look in that woman's eyes, glazed over, a bit wild and frantic.

For the first time in a long time, looking in the mirror did not reveal an image of a woman that I despised. She with the past seeping through the eyes was not there. I didn't know who this woman in the mirror was and that was a relief. Can I let go of these images in my head of who I should be? Yes, I think so. I realized that perhaps the trick was to let go and revel in the thought of starting new.

I forgive myself for being here again at these crossroads. Perhaps this year, just like I wove myself a new knitting design, perhaps I will be able to weave myself a new path.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T08:39:00.003-06:00

May the new year be full of love, joy, and happiness!
Oh, yes, and lots of spanking, too!

Love,
The Lord Krishna and his Radha

"Don't forget your history, Know you destiny

2008-12-30T18:32:00.004-06:00

In the abundance of water the fool is thirsty.... "

That would be Bob Marley from the song "Rat Race." He's one of those musicians whose music changes with each phase of my life. He brought the Lord Krishna and I together. He became a major part of my doctorate work. His music is the soundtrack for my life.

I haven't been listening to him lately. I spent too much time over thinking his work. But now I'm set up with a new laptop and finding Bob all over Youtube.

Over the years I have been surprised (and slightly disturbed) to find that many of the people that I encountered here in the States knew little about his music outside of that compilation called Legend. Indeed this is a fine collection of the music of his later years, but did you know that there was an entirely different version of Legend released in the UK? It had twice as many songs. But even that compilation limits the Marley archive to those songs that hit pop charts. Here, in the States, it seems that the image of Marley is firmly anchored in the culture of smoke. This is the requisite college party album and there are far too many frat boys grabbing their crotches with one hand, holding a joint with the other, singing "No woman, no cry" as if to say "I've got no woman so I'm gonna cry." The reception of Marley's music is very different in other parts of the world where the music is associated with resistance and revolution.

Anyway so, the Lord Krishna surprised me when I discovered he had quite a collection of Marley albums, and might I say, he was surprised that I also had more than a passing interest. The first time we went out (as "friends") was to a Marley tribute show in the city. The Lord Krishna used to always send me off to talk to the musicians and to request a song, and it made him very happy when I asked for a song that they did not know. I, of course, felt rather dumb about it, especially if they didn't know the song (Rat Race, for example), but I guess I was pretty enough to get their attention. Soon, we were welcomed into the local reggae community and they began to gather around us for a drink during their breaks.

That became our thing. We would go to shows all the time: blues, reggae, folk. And every time, he would use me to meet the musicians. The musicians liked me and of course, I was easy to spot in a sea full of white faces. But then, one day, we met Ivan - Daddy I was what he was called by others. Ivan was the lead guitar player for a prominent local reggae group in the 1990's. Half way through the show, in the middle of a solo, he jumps off the stage, still playing his guitar, and I swear, I could just feel him making his way over to me. Earlier, I had dropped my leather jacket off my shoulders and as I caught Ivan's eye, Krishna's hands came up behind me and rested on my bare shoulders. I still remember the excitement of him touching me for the first time, at least this was the first time I felt he touched me so sensually. Ivan kept coming, he stopped a short distance away and finished his solo, then returned to the stage. At the break, he walked right over to us and before I could get a word out, Krishna starts introducing me to Ivan, like a set-up. Huh? I was confused. I wanted to be his girl, not one of Ivan's baby mommas.

From then on Krishna and I were going to every one of Ivan's shows. It was an exciting time in my life. On the one hand, I was with the cutest white boy in the house, and on the other hand, I was being admired by one who was the closest I was going to get with a Marley-like figure in my lifetime. Ivan was an incredible musician. The Lord Krishna was an incredible man. Both would talk to me about the great qualities in each other. This went on for months, but I always left the show with Krishna. I had this policy back then - I always left whatever party, show, event with the one that I came with. Far too many women that I knew would take off with someone they had just met. I didn't feel so good about this. So, I always left with Krishna, until there came the night that I didn't.

One night, I stayed with Ivan. I said goodbye to Krishna, then headed to an after-party, then a restaurant. It was so thrilling, I was young, I felt confident, I had great hair, I was enjoying life and the city, everywhere we went I got the "rock-star" treatment because I was with Ivan. Finally early in the morning, we got a cab and headed to my apartment. I remember some kisses outside my apartment door and then we were in. As I was leading Ivan into the living room in the dark, by habit I hit the button on my answering machine. And out of the speaker came this, and only this, no words, no indication of who or why, just the song.

Yet, from the first strike of the cymbals, I knew that it was the Lord Krishna. It was Rat Race, of course. And that stopped me in my tracks. Stopped my body anyway, my heart kept going, beating harder and faster. I think that was the first time I knew I loved him.

I made my decision right then and there. And said goodbye to my Rastaman.

The Lord Krishna used the music of Bob Marley to woo me. Thirteen years later, in a little town called Port Antonio, on the eastern coast of Jamaica, sitting on a long deckchair on the patio of villa just a hundred yards above the deserted beach, he strummed his guitar, plucking out the notes to "No Woman, No Cry," when I was indeed crying cuz I remembered the way we used to be.

----------------------------

So, I selected this clip because there is just the music (and of course, some generic image of Bob). I find the proliferation of music videos creating quite perplexing problems regarding the issue of reception. Watching a music video implants images in the mind, at times leading the listener to a fixed message or theme. That is the first reason why I chose this clip because I wanted to give everyone the chance to listen and form their own understanding of the song.

The second reason is that a number of YouTube videos are compilations of images or film footage muraled together in a way that says more about the creator of such video rather than the artist/musician. And while Marley's music is often associated with resistance and revolution, it is all firmly grounded in love: One Love. Many of the images produced after Marley's death put emphasis on images of social injustice and often this includes violence. Again, I didn't want to put something on this site that took the listener directly to those images of violence and injustice.

One day I'll write about the adventure the Lord Krishna and I had when we flew into Kingston. It was something, I tell ya, walking down the dilapidated terminal of Manley airport with a man holding a guitar. How many times had Marley himself walked down this same hall with his guitar in hand? We didn't make it to Trenchtown, but also I didn't think it would look much different from the slums of Mumbai. In fact, a friend of mine thought our film footage looked like her hometown in Puerto Rico. How sad is that? Wealthy western metropole cities have distinctive skylines whilst slums across the world look the same.

I cannot leave without some clarification about Ivan. He was not a Rastaman. Certainly he was a brilliant reggae musician and has toured with some big R&B names, has dreads and a smoldering sensuality, but he was not a Rasta. It sounded good though, didn't it, in the context of my own love story? I guess if you were to get a look at him, you'd say he looks "Rasta", but no, there was not a spiritual bone in this man's body. Although how one could create such wonderful music and not be spiritual is a mystery to me. Still to this day, Daddy I gives us shit for eloping and not having a wedding in the city with his reggae band at the reception. Oh well, it just wasn't our destiny.

Speaking My Truth

2008-12-29T09:36:00.003-06:00

Safewords.

All the careful, safety-oriented guides seem to demand a discussion about safewords. At first, it seemed essential for a relationship to safely move forward with kinky lifestyles. Then, I read a number of blogs where the safeword was not a part of their relationship. And although we have had the requisite discussion, listed a number of silly words, and considered the appropriate use for a safeword, I have noticed there doesn't seem to be a need for one, at least not for me. He is always attentive to how many swats I can take, and always seems to know when to slow down, when to pause to let me catch my breath or for the pain to settle down. But then, there were times when it seemed that the Lord Krishna just wanted to get me to the point of asking for reprieve, pausing every once and while to ask if I wanted to say it. But the pause was always enough for me to continue moving on.

I didn't like where this was going. It started to become a game to get me to say it. It became more about the word, then the interaction between us. I don't like games, and I don't play well. I'm not very competitive, and so it always sat with me weird knowing that this was going on.

Until the day he said it.

From that day forward I understood this safeword to mean something that puts the play on pause for awhile until it is time to return. Previously, I had always understood it as a way to stop the play, not pause the play.

His use of the word in that specific moment took us to a whole new level of communication about something that we had been struggling with for years and years.

You see, the year before the Lord Krishna and I got together, somewhere back in the early 1990's, his pancreas failed. By the time I entered his life, he was deep into adjusting to and managing the life of a Type 1 diabetic. Over the years, I have struggled with the judgements about myself as not desirable because of instances where the diabetes affected him. I know it is a shallow and self-absorbed reaction to his very real medical issues, and I certainly needed to educate myself. Nonetheless, it was quite frustrating when he would have a low blood sugar right in the middle of getting it on.

After fifteen years with the man, when I am alert and my mind is not clouded by lust and desire, I can sense his low blood sugars the minute he starts dropping. But I am not as tuned in when I am ready for sex. The frustration surges before realization hits. Then, there is the moments of coming down from the frustration and jilted desire. It is extremely difficult when I'm all tied up, or my nipples are all pinched, when all of a sudden he seems distracted by his dropping blood sugars. It was a nasty cycle, one that was hard to break.

Surprisingly, the cycle was broken that night when he uttered the safeword. This happened a few months ago, but I have been hesitant to write about this. Why? Who knows. Anyway, I distinctly remember the feeling that night. I experienced an unexpected moment of relief as he uttered the word. We stopped, he left the bedroom to check his blood and drink some juice, and I had none of those feelings of being unattractive and undesirable. That was that, and only that. He was having a low, we stopped, and then, resumed an hour later.

So there you have it. Lately, I have been finding it difficult to continue blogging about smut. Funny that now that it is really good, I am not motivated to write about it. Oh, I think about it, I want to write a post about welts, namely the dozens of thick holiday welts he laid on my bottom and thighs. But it seems difficult to me to try to find something sexy to write about over and over again. I am definitely impressed by those bloggers who continue to make it seem fresh for so many years.

Now I am going to try a different approach and talk about those things that always seemed uncomfortable. Like being a submissive wife and caregiver at the same time, having to switch in a moment's heartbeat from being spanked and obedient to being the one to take control of the situation.

Speaking my truth.